sky screams, draws
the veins from under my skin
fine lines
to meet
and tangle
in the last second
the first kiss
hot and wrong against the wall and
your hands, creeping and
the roof collapsing into flames
and your mouth
between my thighs
and the sounds
my soul makes
screaming your name
blooms
timeless and lazy
today of next year
will be just this way
a hundred,
a thousand-
all the same.
Author notes
This is the first draft and completely rough. Would love suggestions on how to improve.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Mkay, so the first few lines of the second stanza suggest that it was kinda unwanted, and then later it's realized that it's completely mutual and just steamy-wrong, not rapey-wrong. This is unusually direct for you, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it. Maybe if you played on the roof collapsing into flames and on the veins being drawn? Just a thought!
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I like it rough, then. This is all of a piece, startlingly erotic and totally powerful. Good use of assonance, consonace and interrupted rhyme gives this a hard, jagged edge that is totally appropriate to the subject. I like particularly /sky screams/ and /hot and wrong/ and /timeless and lazy/ - they sound so good, read aloud.
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very nice flow and i love the intense feeling i had while reading it!! great write!
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Ah, the featureds came through at long last!! The last two I've read here have been gems! This one is amazing! Great work!!! - oce
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wow!
this is intensely sexual but still somehow sounds so poetic that it doesnt seem even the slightest bit dirty. just intense as i think you meant it to be. AWESOME!
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Draft?
This is not a draft, this is a work of art. Your flow is amazing, and I really think it's good how it stands. But I am, of course, simply a reader and not the author. Only you yourself can decide that, but truly, a great read.
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I wish I could write drafts as good as this. Thunderingly erotic.
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I like it
Thank you. <3
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