Between my fingers,
I feel you slipping away.
The space filling
[emptying?]
With
Lonely
a i r.
Author notes
Prompt "Between my fingers"
15 words.
A contest entry
- Prewrite Mania 3 by Celticmoon.
800 points, ended May 27, 2008, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 15 poets x 15 words by adsaige.
300 points, ended July 8, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
i really didn't like the
[emptying] part i felt
it was really unneeded.
although, this is a very
nice piece though. -
I really do like this piece much. My only suggestion would be to bring up the last line and refrain from separating the letters and a lil reorganizing of word usage, like so:
Between my fingers,
you slip away.
Empty,
yet, the space fills
with lonely
air.
I think this would really bring this piece out more. Thank you for entering. Best of luck to you.
Blessings
Bel
-
Thoughts
Don't take this as being offensive but there's something about this that's just missing the oomph- maybe the way the write was constructed but then again maybe it's just me
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