A field of dried corn husks
cropped close to the earth
hemmed by the Missouri
and a cambering country road
stretch eastward across the flood plain
Broken, weathered stalks of maize
reflect a mid-morning sun
The golden pattern
marred by train tracks
a rusting railroad bridge
and swirling cloud shadows
You drive
I'll ride shot-gun
shooting 35mm of tranquility
over the whine
of the turbo
(Original prose-style version)
We sped along the country road that snakes across the flood plain and runs parallel with the river, my stomach clutching at each cambering turn until the car eventually slowed to a Sunday drive. Hawks circled the bluffs. A field of dried corn husks, cropped close to the earth, stretched toward the river for miles, the golden pattern marred by train tracks and a rusting railroad bridge. I want to go back, take photographs. Should I use color or black and white film? Maybe both... You drive. I’ll ride shot-gun, shooting tranquility over the whine of the turbo.
Author notes
I changed the format. Originally posted the poem in prose-poetry style. Not sure which format works best... kept both up for comparison.
Critiques welcomed.
Which format works best??
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Great visual!
I loved the picturesque visuals that sprang up in my mind as I read your words. A photo of this scene would been a good fit. Personally I like the poem version better. I like the story in little bite sized pieces that I can savor on my tongue as I digest their meanings. The last stanza really nails down the story and the setting nicely. I enjoyed this.
On another note thank you for your insightful words on my last poem as well. You obviously have deep thoughts on the subject, as we all should. Thanks for sharing.
Henri
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appreciate the visual pic here, have driven through mo in the early morning and it makes me remember.
one thing, maze = maize.
i think the last two stanzas could use a little more filling out, maybe another indirect reference to photography. in my first read through it sounded like the intro to a sci-fi war novel...until i read the original version. second is much better overall however, imho.
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Helen
It isn't easy to write prose poetry, but I do think you are a very good prose writer. You have a way with words.
If you want to keep the second format (the edited one) I suggest you look over some of the lines. In my humble opinion, some of them are unnecessary or just a bit too telly. For example, you don't need the first line since the reader already knows it's going to be an Easter drive by the title.
This is where the poem really begins ...
A field of dried corn husks ...
If you want the reader to feel what you are feeling I think you should describe the field in more detail. In other words, do not directly express your personal feelings but let the reader interpret and infer from the words and images what you want to communicate.
I like the last five lines very much. Take the pictures, (black and white or colour - it's not that important to say which), without telling the reader you want to take them.
Thanks for sharing with me,
Maria
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Maria,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and provide your feedback (even though you have a stack of papers staring back at you). I hadnt thought of starting the poem with "A field of corn husks..." and really like the idea. Tho, I will have to toy with how best to express taking pictures without telling the reader my intention. I have a lot of editing to do but now have a new perspective.
THANK YOU!!
Have a nice weekend.
Helen
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Very well done.
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Very much like plain old prose, but lots of vivid images and descriptive words used in these lines. Many don't want to read prose, but short stuff like this isn't too bad.
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It's short, just a sketch, but what is there is very well written and definitely make me interested to read more fiction by you. I don't think most people realize the joy there is in reading well executed prose.
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