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The Hand on My Shoulder

   
 
 

My pockets are packed with heinous devices,

my clothing contains illegal, oriental spices.

From insects and minerals, including cut diamonds,

cigars, watches, peaches and roast sugared almonds

to explosives and weapons and parts for your car,

I'm bulging like a mobile, crazy Turkish bazaar.

 

I'm on fire, I'm glowing, like a luminous 'Hey!' sign.

Heart bangs from my chest like it's no longer mine!

Of all the days for this lunatic, desperate ambition,

to find myself trembling, with cardiac-al condition.

 

No don't meet his eye, don't draw their attention

nor look away, to arouse some suspicion,

keep pace with the walkers so they only see

no reasons for inspection to land up on me!

 

The gate on far side, will it be my salvation?

Can ill-gotten gains, give intended elation?

If only? When home and sat with my pay,

will I breathe easy, knowing I've got clean away?

 

Used to carry twice this much, 

I was brave! 

Now I'm older

I am almost... I'm nearly, nearly ... 

 

But here's the hand, on my shoulder.

 

 

 

 
 
 

Author notes

Contest: Passing Through A Search
Please check punctuation and bottom verse arrangement for me, if any ideas?
Let me have it, anything to improve, I have broad shoulders. Or I'd like to develop them! All sincere comment of any nature much appreciated. Thank you

In a list

A contest entry

HELP, Punctuation? Welcome all sincere & critical responses. Thanks

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • genies
    April 14

    Edit | Reply

    caleidoscopic

    The first thing I saw was the social engagement - I read your poem as a critique to the claustrophobic atmosphere created by crises in the global political sphere. The next layer - which is not beneath the first one - is the psychological state of anxiety which creates the movement in the poetry; the fear of being caught, however, has another, more intimate dimension as well - that of a human who was blessed enough to gain broad knowledge of the world, the ability to enrich one's world, see different spectres and alleys. The 'riches', however, are seen by the 'higher' or outside authority as something prohibited - as if the individual was stealing something that belonged to this authority. The power which has a hand on the individual is an all-seeing eye (it reminds me of that eye over the tower in the Lord of the Rings).
    I would like to ask you, however, if this power can be considered as Death? I am not sure if that is the case in your poem. Best wishes and great work =)


  • Paranoia Dead
    March 30

    Edit | Reply

    DAKOTA!

    that was amazing, im native american/mexican and this kinda reminds me of the stories the father would tell.

  • Lucy. gold member
    March 27

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful poem. It takes me on an exciting journey, and you have succeeded in making my 'sympathy' be for the criminal, not against him. I develop almost an affection for him and am on the edge of my seat reading to see if he will get away.
    A good one for the competition because the wording is strong, clear and simple.
    There are probably a few places I would not have put commas but maybe that is a personal preference thing and it may not matter.
    Very, very good.

    • This really is encouraging, I did try to put myself in the place of the criminal, so I'm glad to have gained your sympathy. Too bad I'm now behind bars!
      Hey, I learned much though and hope I've sorted commas out, thanks to you.

      X X X
  • This is a great idea to write about, and one that you tell in a very engaging way. I think this is witty and cute at the same time. Very well penned!

    • Thanks so much 'bean buyer', your encouragement and approval is much appreciated. Catch you later!
  • Very well written & Versed--
    I like the following verse in particular:---

    "The gate on far side, will it be my salvation?
    Can ill got-ten gains, give intended elation?
    If only? When home and sat with my pay,
    will I breathe easy, knowing I've got clean away?"

    Best of luck to you in the contest!

    • (BIG BIG SMILE)

      Such an honour to have you as guest. I see why your keen eye goes to this.
      You have put such a big smile on my face BT.(SMILE)
      I wrote this for the contest, so much thanks for your encouragement and wishing me luck.

  • Noah20Tymatal
    March 26

    Edit | Reply
    A point to note, if there is a comma or no punctuatuion mark and the end of a line the next line should not be capitalized. With that being said let me applaud your poetry for you have done a splendid job with your rhyme and I share with you in your travel because you have taken me along for the ride. I welcome the experience to be your passanger. Peace in light and love.

    • An honour for me to have you as a companion on the journey.
      Very much thanks for your kind comment and 'note'. Peace upon you also

  • NurseChilly gold member
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    I'd prefer to see this set to the left and not centred.
    I think it's a good piece, maybe a little wordy in parts and would benefit from some small editing of some of the pronouns... (a few too many "I"s in it)
    but otherwise I think you've gotten the contest edict off well and welcome to AP

    you're not too far from me, fellow Brit here, just on the edge of Manchester

    glad to see you on the site........

    • HI Nurse Chilly!

      Very nice to meet a neighbour!
      Thanks a lot for your considered helpful input. Only just wrote it, still very open. So the guy with hat doesn't do it, mm probably right, he was an after-thought and may well go.
      The 'I's in some places were intended to go with his increasing self-consciousness, but I've... (there I'oops go again) already seen one place where I think your spot on. I will change and look further. Please come back, at least before 'contest', I'm convinced you know what you're talking about and your help and encouragement is much'ly appreciated!
      Not slept yet, must do it, will take peak at yours soon. Cheers!

      • NurseChilly gold member
        March 24

        Edit | Reply
        grand

        me be liking lots....

        isn't bazaar like that?? - I dunno, just a dunce me... but I do think it's either got two a's or two z's ... lololol

        I like the look of this Gary.. it's solid
1 - 14 of 14