I oversee the land that grieves;
acres of lawn and fallen leaves,
prolific mounds of mother earth,
pregnant mementos of rebirth.
Manicured, undulating, hills
mask the role terra firma fills;
to smother mortals in her loam,
their destiny and final home.
And as they slowly decompose,
their longing rests in He who rose
spurning death and burial shrouds
beatific, through parting clouds.
As for me, the gard’ner of death,
I prune old vines and baby’s breath
wielding the very pruning knife
I use to trim the tree of life.
Author notes
By Expat4Cebu
Written in iambic tetrameter, this poem contrasts the indiscriminate finality of earthly death against the unreasoning hope for an afterlife.
The "Gardener of Death" is a paraphrase of "Grim Reaper". This poem gives the Grim Reaper a "day job" as the grounds-keeper for a large cemetery (memorial park).
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Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Interesting poem and thank-you for your entry.
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As to your notes - I do not think you quite fit enough in there about the unreasoning hope for an afterlife if that was your intention; in any case it was a little disappointing to see those notes at all. Someone once commented on a work of mine that if you need to explain the poem ex post facto, it wasn't as good a poem as it should have been - this has stuck with me over the years. Let the poem be what it is without trying to clarify, as part of the skill will be in striking the balance between lucidness and subtlety.
To write only of technique, it is clear that you are an immensely intelligent writer with a strong understanding of meter (as demonstrated by your knowledge of iambic poetry) and an ability to allow for rhymes without struggle; your rhyme and rhythm come smoothly and rarely at the expense of syntax or clarity of phrase.
The problem is that your extended metaphor is perhaps too good. Your reaper must be a longtime servant, for he writes of these things without much interest at all - for a man who is so intimately involved with death he is awfully nonchalant about it. I say this because as pleasant as it can be to write and to read poetry that is so eruditely conceived it has a way of reading less naturally than its simpler brethren. You use complicated words and phrasings when simpler ones would do, and you sound grand when simplicity would be much more accessible.
Your technique, as I said, is considerable, but it was almost too good - it made being moved by your poetry much more difficult. -
This is very nicely written! Moving....Great job interweaving the metaphor!
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I like the way you create the detatched attitude of a gardener going about his daily duties, amidst the almost gruesome imagery of death
'As for me, the gard’ner of death,
I prune old vines and baby’s breath'
The form gives a regular pace to his dutiful labours. Well done.
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Excellent write, very well penned with an exceptional ending, well done. Thanx for entering and good luck!
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AWESOME write! I love it, powerful and to the point. Don't change anything. Good luck in the contest --Shannon
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GREAT
This must be my husband of twenty five years talking!lo9l He is the caretaker of a forty five acre cemetary. I love the fine imagery, and your grand concept for the piece!
POETDONTKNOWIT
WRITING IT HER WAY -
i love how you took the idea of the grim reaper and twisted it! haha! a "day job!" "and as we slowly decompose/our longing rests in He whoe rose"....love it! great write and good luck!
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interesting metaphor, I like it!
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I like what you are trying here. I love the meter and I like the imagery. you did a good job of showing me what you were trying to say and that is extremely beneficial in judging.
I like this poem quite a bit
thanks for entering.
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