this carpet looks so white as i lay
rough and beloved, in this so white room.
you, too, are white,
cradling me close and whispering everything we want to hear.
pearly air clings to me,
caresses me,
blankly coating my scar tissue
and leaving me so seemingly clean.
your smile matches the back of your alabaster eyes,
but perhaps not the back of my mind.
i feel your fingers on those piano keys,
tracing the whole steps only,
echoing the way you trace the curves
around my thighs and neck,
drawing out a milky “XO” on my breast.
each arpeggio is a goodbye, somehow
rhyming out the ways i love you,
the ways i miss you.
then there it is: the pitch that rings too true,
perfectly tuned to the X across my chest,
and releasing just one drop,
cold and crimson,
blooming against my skin,
luxurious but chilling all the same.
my nails run beneath my skin, suddenly,
scribbling inquiries
and i ask, after so many songs,
is bloodied snow still so white?
Author notes
man, I'm rusty. help me out please?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Beautifully Poignant...
-
I like the flow and tone of this piece. It's smooth, but a bit like prose because you use full sentences & plenty of modifiers.
Try cutting things down, simplifying the language as much as you can stand (maybe even more than you can stand) & see what you get. I think it will be good, because the bones are good. You know?
A very good write. I'm rusty lately myself or I might have something better than advice!
-
i really like this. i have no critisisms. even the lack of capitalisation worked as a stylistic thing rather than seeming noob.
i thought it was beautiful and sad, and the imagery was brilliant. if this is you "rusty" i'd love to read your "good" stuff.
-
'each arpeggio is a goodbye, somehow
rhyming out the ways i love you,
the ways i miss you.'
Great lines! This just really hit me. I wasn't sure in the beginning if all the 'white' and 'white' was really going anywhere, but then it took off and turned magnificient! Great job. I love the ending.
-
golly gosh thats great
gosh, this is such a heart filled poem. i really congratulate you on it. its shown a lot of effort and its come out as a positive result. really its great. i love the way that you've used language techniques, it brings out the best. Thanks for giving me the privilege of taking this in and reading it. really great job. Here, read your poem down below and really i want you to celebrate because its really good. you deserve to increase your wit by reading such an art!
this carpet looks so white as i lay
rough and beloved, in this so white room.
you, too, are white,
cradling me close and whispering everything we want to hear.
pearly air clings to me,
caresses me,
blankly coating my scar tissue
and leaving me so seemingly clean.
your smile matches the back of your alabaster eyes,
but perhaps not the back of my mind.
i feel your fingers on those piano keys,
tracing the whole steps only,
echoing the way you trace the curves
around my thighs and neck,
drawing out a milky “XO” on my breast.
each arpeggio is a goodbye, somehow
rhyming out the ways i love you,
the ways i miss you.
then there it is: the pitch that rings too true,
perfectly tuned to the X across my chest,
and releasing just one drop,
cold and crimson,
blooming against my skin,
luxurious but chilling all the same.
my nails run beneath my skin, suddenly,
scribbling inquiries
and i ask, after so many songs,
is bloodied snow still so white?
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
