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Broken paradise

Pale darkness illuminates
chapped rugged hills speak
mumbling about past suns set
Misfortune dried lakes parched
Lack of rain murdered all vegetation

Land of droughts
sky of crows
soil of worthlessness

As the crack withers away all movement

who's to pay?
who's responsible?
for this broken paradise

 

Addiction?

 

or perhaps self mutilation?

 

The daffodils prayed for lack of rain

The lakes begged for a hot death

The sky committed homicide against daily light

 

Did they deserve what they asked for?

 

Doe's anyone really deserve to become a living hell?

Their own body torturing their soul

Every time they look in a mirror

Reminded of past mistakes

and future suffering 

 

Author notes

Crack addiction
Imagery

A contest entry

whats your opinion about it?

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Comments

1 - 17 of 17

  • N e a r
    May 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is what I call symbolism. A perfect example, infact. I like the melancholy feel I got from this piece.
    "The daffodils prayed for lack of rain
    The lakes begged for a hot death
    The sky committed homicide against daily light"
    This was especially strong. I love the way you handle your language and words... This is really raw as well. Concrete with slight abstract.. just a taste to satisfy the reader.
    There's a lot of questions in this one, too. Too many can take away from the tone of voice. I don't think you did a bad thing with them, since a lot of them fit nicely. The only part I got edgy with was this:
    "Did they deserve what they asked for?
    Does anyone really deserve to become a living hell?"
    I feel the second one is much stronger than the previous.. because of the conflicting strengths, it threw me off. I think the first one ("Did they deserve what they asked for?") should be extracted from this piece to keep the flow and stability.
    Awesome work, man. I miss your poetry tremendously. Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • Tangled Angle
    March 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't like the questions. And I didn't like the short sentences. I think if they were longer, that would make the ideas flow out smoother, instead of being so stutter-step when read [well, that's how I read it at least]. I really liked the metaphors you used, they made some strong images. Overall, nicely done. Good luck in the challenge.


  • InMyFlames
    March 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    whoa this is great definatly a finalist list entry... well done and thanks for entering

  • celtichealer
    March 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Broken is right I hope that life treats you better than this in the future

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    March 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The daffodils stanza was very well done, the wording was precise and the images vibrant - it was perhaps my favorite of the piece.

    While I have seen such a delicate subject firsthand, I almost felt as if the piece were a bit too preachy.

    Now let me explain, some of the wording throughout seems almost over done. Sometimes removing the 'filler' words truly helps to give the piece a better flow and at the same time a bit more depth.

    And the other complaint, so to speak, is the questions throughout - though this is probably personal preference. While I don't mind a question posed somewhere along the lines, the continuity of more than one almost seems repetitive.

    That is not to say that this is at all a bad piece, it has some great potential and I can see that you enjoy imagery as well.


  • seraphim shock
    March 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    intense.
    brilliant.
    amazing.


  • RyanosaurusWrecks
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    crack is probably the most forgot about drug now, with pills taking predominance...however, the addiction is a serious matter, and one of my best friends just does crack to get high, when nothing else becomes available...you have summed up the destruction and lonliness that comes with addiction, and the dangerous path it presents...bravo on that


  • adios muchachos gold member
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hi Brant

    Drug addiction is never anywhere near a good thing.
    I've seen it turn people into craven beggars and thieves.
    But I've also seen what 12 Step programs, and similar programs can do, if the mind is in the least willing at first. Drug-addiction is "one tough row-to-hoe" but it can be done.
    Blades of grass will grow through a crack in the sidewalk. So too will hope grow through a "cracked" life!

    JJ


  • Ryno
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ummm. Can I say "Wow"? Possibly one of my favourites of you, because there is such an awe-affect to the piece that really targets the reader and their emotions.

    You went about this in a way that wasn't showing the character directly, through narrative, but what was PAST. And I really like the through on with the rant feel and some abstractness.

    "The daffodils prayed for lack of rain"

    Brilliant, brilliant line there. I think the two lines could've been a little stronger. Maybe, like the daffodiles, they could be hoping for the opposite of what they need in an obvious way.

    Thrilling !


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Vivid imageries spoken about crack.....

    piercing write to give those who can't a voice to help
    us understand the homicide of their soul's.
    I don't think I understood addiction, until at alanon,
    when I went outside to visit with the smokers, and saw
    how upset some were that they just couldn't WILLPOWER
    their addiction away despite knowing the consequences.
    It broke your heart to hear them weep, make me stop,
    why can't I stop....I finally understood, that this is
    not a willpower disease.
    Thankyou for writing so boldly about addiction, and crack
    is one of the worst! (even other addicts feel sorry for
    the crack addicts-it's that bad!) Have you read the
    article how pimps in vegas were bringing their prostitutes for crack addiction to treatment. now, you
    know it must be bad, if pimps hate the stuff.
    ears2hearyou
    Kathleen: ))


    • bones7
      March 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      lol.Thats hilarious about the pimps,I didn't hear about that.lol


  • storiesuntold gold member
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    None deserves it yet turn closed minds to warning given

    So many of the young and older people of today are crack addicts and some are still in the good time zone . Yet they are unaware that the next hit is one of unending self punishment that drives the mind mad and causes so many to kill family members trying to save them from the hunger they crave is a slow death


  • ConvenientExcuses
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "The sky committed homicide against daily light"
    I just really liked that line.

    Anyways, this is awesome. You have a talent for blending words together to create amazing pieces like this. Great job! Keep it up!

  • Nighttime angel
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you know what you have hit the nail on the head with this one. I can relate a little bit more than I care too. at one time I was addicted to crack cocaine.. I have 9 years of clean time behind me.. lots of bad memories connected to that drug.. mistakes that were made, friends that dies and a past that haunts me on occasion. this poem of yours describes crack addiction to the t.. living hell sums it up..

    excellent job with poem

    kat

    • bones7
      March 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you,and sorry to hear that,it's great that you are clean tho


  • penman gold member
    March 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    Oh my you painted this addiction so powerfully. So very well done. A very intense write.

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