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Daddy

You watched my newborn eyes open
And now you see them close
Your name, the first word that I spoke
The last, no one will know

You used to take me in your arms
And stroke my virgin skin
Now crimson bracelets lace my wrists
I bathe myself in sin

Your love would reassure me
I was still able to feel
But part of me has seeped away
Through wounds that never heal

I'll cry my jewelery tears for you
As knife and skin embrace
Metallic kisses, soft and gentle
A memory of your face

Others will avert their prying eyes
From such a bloody mess
But I know you'll recognise at once
Your littlest princess

What did you think

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Comments


  • Black-Moon
    March 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    While there was definitely real emotion in this poem, I think you came off sounding a bit cheesy and contrived. Certain lines especially, like
    "When cold blood stains these white-washed walls
    I'll see your kindly face"
    really didn't do much for me. You should probably be working towards bringing emotions out of your readers by being descriptive, rather than "telling" them what to feel.
    Also, your rhymes were not forced, which is good, but I've said this time and time again- an ABAB rhyme scheme is too childish and whimsical for such a serious poem. Giving the poem a sing song tone takes away from the graveness of the topic. I know you are a good writer and you CAN improve.
    The best lines were
    "Now crimson bracelets lace my wrists
    I bathe myself in sin."
    These kinds of metaphors, a sort of avoidance of the subject head on, give the reader the emotional picture without sounding melodramatic. I look forward to seeing you keep writing and improving. I've been on AP three years now, and constant writing and critiquing has helped me improve. You can too.
    Love, Black-Moon


    • AmethystRose
      March 24, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thank you for your critical reveiw, hopefully it will allow me to better my future writing
      i changed the lines you highlighted to avoid the cliche
      i hoped for a child-like voice for this poem in order to juxtapose innocence and corruption so thats why it may sound as immature as it does
      your poems are beautiful though i may try writing in free verse
      love amethyst rose


      • Black-Moon
        March 26, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Your changes were very good, and it's nice to see you developping. I love the lines "Metallic kisses, soft and gentle
        A memory of your face."