I was headed out on my way to work when I walked by a passive retail clerk
who had empty eyes and a blank look, so I stopped him and threw a right hook,
and grabbed the tire iron behind the seat and beat him down to the concrete,
I knew this poor bastard had been bit and he would probably never make it,
the R-Town zombie invasion had begun, I knew the undead had finally come,
so I called Tyler and Sheebs, but they were already on their way to see me,
there was a group ahead of our trucks, so we sped up, jumped out and ducked,
the sky lit up and left the group dead ’cause of the nitroglycerin in the bed
that I keep for situations just like this ’cause we knew that zombies exist,
out of ammo, so we went to the gun store ’cause we’d been through this before,
but the guy at the desk had that same look and thirst so we shot that fuck first,
I saw some zombie kids headed off to school, but to them I couldn’t be as cruel,
rather than shooting them all in the head, I ran over them with their bus instead,
John lopped off the head of an old bitch and she fell down and started to twitch,
Brock pushed a shopping cart full of kerosene at some fat chicks with ice cream
and shot off a round that blew off their faces, and their hair, and their braces,
we hit the streets with shotguns and grenades as the zombies began to invade,
and decided we probably needed an assist, so we called our friends to enlist,
we blew up the mall and shot up Wal-Mart, but all of that was just the start,
we rigged explosives to McDonald’s and BK, and threw grenades at China Buffet,
we attacked every place where people go and left Richmond with a new asshole,
then we siphoned gas from Speedway and Shell after we sent those fuckers to Hell,
and turned the town into a police state and then we reassembled for our fate
to blockade all of the roads and doors and load back up to prepare for more,
with Molotov cocktails and machetes, the fucking undead will never be ready
for the three horsemen of the Apocalypse who severe heads and empty clips
like a little kid begging for some candy, so sit back and open up the brandy
and celebrate the end of this shithole town as we turn it the fuck upside down,
when you see us next you might want to grin, otherwise we’ll have to kill again.
Author notes
So my friend (Tyler) and I have an unhealthy fascination with zombies. We come up with endless ideas of what would happen if an outbreak occurred in little, rural Richmond, Indiana. So one night I decided to write it out. For reference, Tyler=Brock and John=Sheebs. They're just nicknames. Decided I hadn't written anything funny in a while. Also, if you didn't catch it, they're not really zombies. They were just sad, blank-faced people on their way to work that I mistakenly took as undead.
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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WOW. This was an incredably good poem. I liked how it made me laugh. This was all around good. Awesome !!!!
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well written. disturbed. read this backwards. boj edisni na saw 119. be strong stay sane.
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Weird, I did laugh at some parts, like:
"I saw some zombie kids headed off to school, but to them I couldn’t be as cruel, rather than shooting them all in the head, I ran over them with their bus instead,"
for some reason that part made me laugh really hard! Well if Zombie's attack I'll know where to go.......or not too!
Great write, thanks for sharing!
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Aw... that's horrible hehehee.. yet quite funny at the same time, I must admit... Anyways, Seriously now.. i really did enjoy this - I just watched resident evil the other day... damn lol... And my boyfriend and his friends just started playin the resident evil games...
So... Yeah... i really liked this, how long did this take to write anyways - like three hours? Yikes...
I'm really happy that I actually took the time to read this, it's very well written and you could actually go somewhere with this - if they actually were zombies... lol nice write
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Hahahaha
First time I really laughed all day, and my brother and his gf got a kick outta it as well. This is great Ryan, I love it when you write fun stuff, you always can make me laugh, you have a great sense of humor.
(:
Kaitlyn
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Ha ha ha that was funny, I'm not into zombies at all, but I did enjoy it and I got a kick out of it, the rhyming is fun too. Good job.
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I laughed.
I am unhealthily obsessed with the impending zombie apocalypse as well. But it's alright, I'll survive because of my paranoia. -
even though this is too violent for me i still got a kick out of it
the rhyme is just plain fun
i seldom write rhyming poems and the few times i have it's taken me forever! so you must have put a good deal of work into this
i also got a kick out of your author notes where you said 'they were just sad, blank-faced people on their way to work that i mistakenly took as undead'. i've been part of that 'undead' crowd and would surely have been shot
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Yay!A funny story about Zombies!You don't hear that everyday.It rminded me of Night of the Living Dead.Well, you combined horror,with your own beliefs and you had a sense of humor while writing.Thanks for sharing the humor!
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Almost as funny.
This is almost as funny as some of those grade B movies with a plot that you never figure out. I take that back, perhaps the piece is funnier and certainly makes more sense. LOL.
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word man. this was a well told story. good stufff man.
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That was certainly quite different, lol.
Good and funny....really funny actually....then I got to those author notes and you explained that they were really just sad blank faced people....and holy geeze did that scare me! I felt far less bad when I thought they were really zombies....but other than the yikes I said at the end when I read your notes, it was a great piece, funny, and enjoyable to read....in a twisted sort of way.
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omg that is the longest most descriptive and well written run on sentence i have ever read, to my knowledge. but it is a run on sentence. just one.
i, too, have an unrelenting fascination with zombies.
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Wowww. I suppose there is a message in this- similar to that of my "Live" poem; Live your life, don't be one of the numb, lifeless faces of the crowd... I really think the poem would be enhanced if you edited your language, though. Not sure you need to call the zombies "fuckers."
Really funnily paranoid, though. Nitroglycerin in the bed of the truck... you should add some hydrochloric acid in there too- if you smell it undiluted, you get sores on your windpipe. Ironically, it's the same thing as stomach acid... ok, I'll stop with the science lesson.
A great write.
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LOL!
Can you say "paranoia" or "schizophrenia"?
In all seriousness, this was hilarious. My favorite part was "...the nitroglycerin in the bed
that I keep for situations just like this..." Uhm, was it because you were expecting a situation in which zombie people invaded your town?
Hah, I kid, anyways, I love it. -
unhealthy
"We have an unhealthy fascination with zombies. "
...ANY fascination with zombies IS unhealthy.
So why did I clic this featured poem...?
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hilarious and disgusting!
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LMAO!!
This is wonderful! Truly funny stuff. Good work, good write, good rhyme, good humor!!
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*waves white flag* Don't shoot me up either!
It's great to read a new piece from you. You've always penned humor well and this is no exception. I love how you took things into your own hands and tried to save the little town of Richmond. It's rather heroic, unless you're on the receiving end I suppose. I agree with Ashley: It's very nice to read something from you! Wonderful.
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