A Life in Fear

A life lived in fear is no life at all, this I already know

I do not know the reasons for why I live this way 

I blame it on the earthquake, the rocking of the town 

The sudden terrified thoughts of 'am I dying, am I dreaming' 

But truth tells me that I was scared even before

Scared of life, of death, of all that is in between 

Objects, creatures, noises, travel - all have had a hold on me 

I am lucky to be still able to leave the house, surely 

I have tried to shake myself out of fear by facing it

But that only made me worse, bad enough to run

The first day I travelled by train post-earthquake 

I was so frightened, I got off four stops before my destination 

All because I thought the train would de-rail 

I cried all the way to university because I felt unsafe 

My friend came to collect me, but I had panic attacks in the car

I was scared he would crash into the kerb or into another car

It didn't help that he is usually an awful driver...

I'm scared of flying, even though I take four return flights a year

Every time I fly, I get worse, more panicky and sweaty

Thinking about it now makes me break into a sweat

I'm flying again in eleven days, cue the shakes

Cue the uncontrolable nausea and worry

I don't want to live this way, I don't want to live in fear

I want to be in control of my own life

Just like how I want to be in control of any vehicle I travel in

I feel safe if I'm the one in control

A life lived in fear is no life at all... I have no life