Sightless eyes sit in heads of lies,
what knowledge is wasted.
Spitting and cursing, insecure inside, thirsting.
Useless Carbon copy and pasted.
Malice and mace, those eyes out place,
safely distanced, watching disturbed.
Zombies of insult, slaves as a result.
Intentions leave me perturbed.
Taunts for naught but popularity bought,
truly it's all simply hate.
Corner store cat-calls, climbing up the walls,
calmly sit there and wait.
Blunt force trauma, never ceasing drama,
It burns, drives past insane.
Denied a suture, a torturous future,
only to be filled with pain.
Trial skin separation, a bloody operation.
Shaking, skin palpably pale.
Cordial confessions and oral obsessions.
Obviously destined to fail.
On to introversion, an easy conversion,
Lie now, still as stone.
Long dead laughter, leaves you here after
completely, sadly alone.
Author notes
Hmmm, well here it is.
A contest entry
- For my Brilliant Perfectionists [Invite Only] by Never Fall in Love.
1650 points, ended April 15, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Perfectionists [part 2] by Never Fall in Love.
1650 points, ended April 17, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How did I do?
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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that's so f*cking amazing. Great Job
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Heavy!
I feel the tearing, most moving. Your vocabulary and intense emotions conveyed are, to say the least, captivating and emotionally riveting. I could'nt stop reading it. You should be a song writer!
These are great lyrics!
Go make tons of money Nick!
castaway
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I really love this one,
I have no favorite piece,
I fell in love with the whole poem.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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I like the flow and rhyme, its a bullet to the brain poem, short sharp lines that really penetrate.
That first line is a real killer, hooks the reader in.
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This is a truly unsettling, beautiful poem. My favorite stanzas are the first and : "Taunts for naught but popularity bought,
truly it's all simply hate.
Corner store cat-calls, climbing up the walls,
calmly sit there and wait." For the imagery, alliteration, and rhyme. You are a great poet. You have the ability to not only write poetry but force its power upon the reader and under the skin. mysticallytamed recommended i read your stuff and she knows what shes talking about when she recommends you. Great job.
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I had to go back and look what your prompt was, and I really like what you did with it.
Some of your phrases are awesome, and I love the rhyming. The flow was a tad bit hard to get right away, or in a few places at least, but it does sound much better when I read it aloud. "introversion" is one of those really long, bulky words that I think is difficult to put in a poem. Kudos for being so brave and trying it!
Good luck and best wishes in the contest,
~J.
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Still as Great as ever. Looking forward to your next poem
-Nessa
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read this for me tomorrow - I'm surprised how odd the flow sounds. But I won't critique this until I know how to read it - I may be appearing offline - I'll try messaging you here and there.
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like all the rest i loved it you have i great gift even it you may not view it that way. dont ever give it up.
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Wow. it is really good. your use of emotion... awesome and it flows nicely. Good job! lol
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you did great, but what was your inspration for this poem? with out that I don't know who to interpet this poem.
<3 Samantha -
what an amazing attack at words. i love this. its very unique and it flows very nicely. loved it
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I had to read this a few times to realise how much i enjoyed it My (probably wrong) interpretation was that its about an attack resulting in a coma victim, "Lie now, still as stone.
Long dead laughter, leaves you here after
completely, sadly alone."
whether literal or metaphorical? (let me know either way please) If not it could certainly be used in that context. I really like the rhyme structure as well. My only criticism is the flow, after i re-read it was better but for first time readers there are some points that are tricky on the tongue particularly "slaves as a result". Like i said i re-read it a bit and think i heard it the way you wrote it, and i really liked it so i won't be stingy with my applause like usual!
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I love your writing style. You are so clever in how you rhymed your sentences. I am intrigued you have gotten my creative juices flowing again. Thanks for sharing. God bless. Happy Easter.
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Its really good. You used a really good choice of words that really helped get out what you were decribing. Well done!
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Like a memory of a song in the back of your mind, only you hear the lyrics, as the music chimes! Brilliantly done, very smooth read with rhyme in just the right places.
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Very well written. You style flows with ease, and the rhyming is great. Very observant, and well developed! Pleasure to read!
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Pretty Good
I enjoyed this a great deal. I thought your rhyming was good, not really forced, and the internal rhyming was really cool, I usually don't get to see that in a piece. The only complaint I have is the rhythm, which threw me off a little as I read. But, all in all, excellent piece.
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Yea that's the thing about alot of my poetry: unless you read it right, it won't sound right. The way I mean for it to sound sounds perfect, I just wish I could make everyone hear it as I do.
Thanks for the comment.
-Nick -
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Idunno perhaps find someone to sing it, or put times next to lines?
I know what you mean about something sounding perfect to you but not to others, I've had that happen with a few songs I've written.
-Cody
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Betrayed
This started out feeling like the slashes and wounds of a friendship disintegrating, but being left alone at the end sounds more like a lover. Malace, insult and intentions as descriptions show a LOT of verbal jabs and punches being thrown. "Long dead laughter" is a great way to summarize the good relationship that is severed and mourned. GoodWrite!
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Liked the flow, rhythm and rhyme in these lines; id you mean here after in that second last line? Like we're on a fast train to nowhere - and can't get off/
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really written with a peculiar merit, beyond compare, recreating,assertive in expressions,and the poem certainly insures the reader a deep fulfillment of reading a great poetic piece
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What a terrific poem... smooth, powerful, insightful in a dark way. Your imagery is great and not sacrificed to the artificiality of rhyme... Well done!
Ken
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i got a kick out of your rhyme like 'Taunts for naught but popularity bought'. very cleverly done
in the second to last line did you mean 'here after' instead of 'her after'?
good write sire it's rather grim but it works
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That is indeed what I meant, and it has been corrected.
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a rather pessimistic but very much true version of the world. good use and choice of words i must say. it puts forth a much clear picture of the imageries that must have run through your mind in writing this.
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Sad. Disturbing and thoughtful. You captured a certain emotion and kept it to the end, great job!
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The mind
A mixture of confusion and dismay as we barrel forward towards our own destruction. The nights get longer but move more quickly and then it is to late for regrets
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