Energy
Its power moves rocks to weep in despair
as gentle water flows; earth longs to care.
The tide touches sand with a slow caress,
playing silly shell games in frothy dress.
Wind speaks inner wisdom of hearts desires
as its eaten away in burning fires.
The flames of heated passion rise higher
as wind's airborne water becomes dryer.
Wood nourishes from Earth water, growing.
Thirsty roots seek nature's water flowing.
Spreading wooden arms to Sun's holy light,
forests blaze, in its turn feeding fire's might.
Stoic stone slowly crumbles over time
to steady heartbeat of love's magic rhyme.
Rock whispers in natural harmony;
divine secrets lost to infinity.
Nature sings of its creator in song,
its voice vibrating merrily along.
Stirring man to awake and fully strive,
to attune with nature, fully alive
Magic words call out with spiraling love,
as they flutter wildly from wings above.
Echoes sound from valleys and distant hill
as words live, cry passion and become still.
Author notes
Interaction of the five Chinese elements; energy and the hand of God. This is my take on Quote #13. It is my sense of the energy that drives and exists in all of us. Interconnected in the all of everything.
A contest entry
- THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
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Criticize freely, I need input to improve
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Interesting take on the five elements.
Your authors note dosen't specify which prompt this entry is in reference to though (for my contest I mean).
Thanks for the entry though. -
Very well written...the flow is nice and the meaning has depth...creative and strong...
Thank you for sharing, dear friend.
mystic -
I think you did a great job
wishing you all the best in the upcoming contest.
E
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Well what a re-write, flows so much better and the changes made in some of the words used fits so well too.
Can I request that you add Re-write to the poems title.
Good luck
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Hi LuzAradia
Made multiple changes. Please help me revise again if necesary. I checked at library American version of spiraling is one 'l'. I tried my best. That was a heavy duty critique. It broke down my mistakes quite clearly. Thanks for the improvement. -
Nice simple AABB rhyme structure that you have maintained, apart from the partial rhyme in 4 lines 3 & 4, “harmony” and “infinity” is not really a true rhyme, but I can understand that as there are not many words that will rhyme with harmony: actually I can’t think of any.
I would consider re-writing to try and get the syllable count the same for each line, at the moment they are as follows;
10,9,10,9
11,9,8,8
9,9,9,10
9,9,10,11
10,10,10,10
10,10,9,10
Doing this would give the poem an even better flow than it already has. I would suggest 10 syllables per line.
My biggest problem is with the final stanza, rhyming “love” with “dove” really is a big no-no it really is very cliché.
Stanza 2 line 2 – “its” should be “it’s”
Stanza 5 lines 1 & 2 – Line two becomes a fragment due to the full stop at the end of line one, I’d replace it with a comma as line 2 is a continuation of its theme.
Stanza 6 line 1 – Is that an American spelling of spiralling (spiralling)?
Stanza 6 line 3 – I’d remove the semi-colon from the end of this line. Semi-colons should only be used to join two complete sentences into a single written sentence when all of the following conditions are met:
(1) The two sentences are felt to be too closely related to be separated by a full stop;
(2) There is no connecting word which would require a comma, such as and or but;
(3) The special conditions requiring a colon are absent.
As you can see you have already used a connecting word – “as” – at the start of the final line. So the lines should read;
“Their echo sounds from the distant hill,
as words live, cry passion and become still.”
Overall I like the simple structure of this poem but feel the author needs to spend a little time editing.
Good luck
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