Spit
"Spit" was what they called him; Cleetus Jones was his name. And in seventy years, he'd gained no fame.
He weren't no Wyatt Earp; he weren't no Jesse James. Least those
boys had decent names.
Cleetus did one good thing in life. Otherwise he caused Dodge a lot of strife.
They named him "Spit" for all he was worth. The "varment" hadn't changed one lick since birth!
Tall, wrinkled, lanky, and durn near toothless. In his younger days, why, I heard he was ruthless!
When he couldn't get around so good anymore, He'd rock on the porch, right in front of the store.
"Joneses Mercantile;" yep, his twin brother ran the place. All Cleetus did was take up space . . .
(And spit . . .)
Nasty habit of his made the ladies turn green. Other town's folk got down right mean!
(Can ya blame 'em?)
Heck no! Ole Cleetus didn't care. He'd miss that brass spittoon and spit anywhere!
Hot days, amber spittle would shine sure and bold, glistening in the sun like pure, liquid gold,
'Til somebody stepped in the stuff. Gettin' that off yer boots can sure be rough!
(Made folks go to hollerin'; yes it did.)
Fanny was the one who did most of the yellin'. This strapper of a woman makes this story worth tellin'.
Most folks stepped around puddles of slimy goo; but that wasn't so easy for Fanny Sue.
Walking in high-heeled boots was for Fanny a case. She stepped in some. You should've seen her face!
*She shouted . . .*
"Cleetus! With that spittoon so close by your side, Why can't you ever get it inside?
"And that revolver that hangs from your scrawny hip; what in the world will you do with it?
"Should you decide to shoot it one day, let us all know and we'll get outta yer way!"
Cleetus tossed Fanny a lopsided smile, then let loose with a stream; heck, that was his style!
That tobacco juice landed an inch from her shoe. She hoisted her skirts and shouted, "Lucky for you!"
Stomping into that store, her face a beet red, she yelled, "One day that Cleetus is gonna be dead!"
Her arms filled with coffee, flour and beans, she passed by Cleetus about to split at the seams.
As she stepped to out to cross that dirt road, what she saw next nearly made her drop her load.
A rattler had slithered from its shade in the grass and was poised and ready to sink fangs into flesh!
Fanny stopped breathing--she started to shake; Cleetus' jaw jigged a quiver and quake . . .
(But that was all; the man was cool.)
Fanny met terror, nearly choked on silent cries. Cleetus spit
And he did hit that snake betwix't the eyes.
That Diamond-back cocked its head, faced Cleetus' way,
and Fanny took notion to slowly back away.
With one bony hand, he yanked out his Colt, then sent a bullet straight through that serpent's throat!
You know, that part right under its head? That rattler went slack when its fangs tasted lead.
Grinning, he sat back; Fanny's eyes filled with tears;
Cleetus spit in peace for the rest of his years.
Now, from what I understand, that brass spittoon was easy, and even at the risk of making folks queazy;
Wherever that spit might happen to fall, understand that the man . . . was aimin' after all.
by Kelly Varner Johnson
a.k.a
kvwriter and Kelly R. Stevens
Author notes
I know, this is way off from the poetry of mine you've read, but, trust me, I write anything and everything that comes to mind. Just like "The Rundersuk." Very different. So, be prepared. Don't you love diversity? Hope you enjoy this story. The style and format is a bit different so it can be performed on stage, and it has! But, not by me! LOL! Go wherever the poem leads. You can't go wrong!--Love, light and truth to you all!--Kel
kvwriter
Written April 19th, 1992
A contest entry
- Humor (CONTEST) by Vissy.
300 points, ended October 26, 2005, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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This was really interesting. Thanks for the laugh! This was very well-written!
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If you ever find a sound archive of Garrison Keillor's "Spitting Contest" (from his "Prairie Home Companion - Lives of the Cowboys") listen to it. You'd swear he was Cleetus!
(how do you manage to live on a continent where they have rattlers? *shudders*)
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It is understandably a Gold Cup Winner!
He was aiming all along! A good pistol shot, too! Two surprises! This poem is great fun. And it is very well written.
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funny
Hey I liked this made me laugh and smile and I needed that. Thanks so much for this. Kikidee6971 -
The length of this treatise did not deter me from reading it for its sheer breadth took my breath away for the sheer simplicity of a poem written with assiduous zeal and the venomous spewings had an effect on my funny bone a.k.a the humerus and this poem is a spitting image of laughter retold..
Shubs
Edited on Feb 26, 9:03 because ''. -
everybody seems to have enjoyed this and Im no exception. keep em coming
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FUNNY
tiz purdy good thar dag nabit. Lots o fun ta read. Tharz one thing I gotta axt, why didn't you use the word tobackie. might ha worked better. Nuff said, good job, had fun. -
I can only echo everyones comments great story great rhyming and a great laugh
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Brilliant story *lol* The rhyming and the description was great! Good work!!!
Kitty x -
great story with well rounded characters , loved it , you made it all so easy to see and smile along with you , god bless Cleetus may he reat at peace with his spittoon holding flowers on his grave!
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i can't stand public spitting...eeee yuk.
this made me laugh thoug
it's quite clever and the rhyme is awesome...very smooth. very nicely done
i applaud the poet and the poem
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funny
night's intoxicated you silly. so you feel giddy and light like a balloon city -
lol this was beautiful. xD made my laugh my ass of *chases it* i'm back ass intact, wait tnow it's got a crack in it.oh wait..
i'm rambling! AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyhow nice write. lol :-D
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This poem truly made my day, I envisaged everything, the man, the lady, the snake, and most of all, the SPIT. Damn it, I can't stop laughing, I am almost crying my head off, seriously, this was one of the coolest, greatest, funniest things I've ever read. Heck, I'd love to see it performed and all.
And spit seems like a really cool guy, I wouldn't mind him spitting around and shooting snakes.
Oh, and the ending was awesome!
Great poem, too bad I can't applaud it twice! Super awesome! -
Very Nice
I loved this poem... Absolutely loved it. -
great job
you have done a great jos with this humourous write.. it has been a honor and pleasure to have read for you.. thanks for the smiles this morning.. keep up the excellent work you are doing.. the flow was great in this one.. perfect to the tee... i look forward to reading more of your work soon.. hydrine -
Thank you, grannyeri! Appreciate ya!--Kel
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Remember this one way back in October when I read it - certainly was a great winner! Nice to check it out again.
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What a great story. Congratulations on winning gold!
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fantastic!
i have to agree with genuflectmanui55; i smirked at a lot of it and the last line made me laugh a bit, but not hilarious like i was looking for. STILL, i LOVE this poem! it is quite awesome and a wonderful pleasure to read. structure, rhythm, rhyme, imagery; it's got it all and i applaud you on a fantastic job! for those reasons i am going to keep this in mind for the contest, but even if it doesn't win this one...and if it does as well, keep entering this in contests!! absolutely love it! -
I'll have to tell you I didn't really laugh...but it's awesome. Its awesome...all that spit. awesome.
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Thank you all for your comments, and Cinara, you made me laugh when you told of what the sign at the church read! LOL! You just returned the pleasure! Love and hugs to you!--Kel
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Ha! Ha! Got me laughin after midnight!
WEll done! Reminds me of a church I attended in a remote area of Brazil. Sign on the eall:
"No talking
No Snoozing
No spitting"
Didn't say No Sinning -
This is so funny, the whole time I was reading it, I had an old western theme stuck in my head, but I can't remember what it's called...I hope it's not stuck in there all day. It took me a second to get the flow of the poem, but then it really takes off and I truly enjoyed reading it. Great job. Good luck in the contest. 
take care -
Great little tale to us you did impart, sounds like ol' cleetus after all did have a heart. I enjoyed reading through it, the thought of ol' Cleetus hanging around at the store I bet did make for stories galore, especially I liked all the wit. Thanx for the laugh and tall tale that you gave. Your boy Cleetus also sounded quite brave.
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twas great to read loved the flo...liked the humorous ending very good story doesnt need any spit and polish its brilliantly shiny enough already
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very funny western story
Kelly this was a really funny, creative, western frontier story. Couldn't help but smile and gigle my way through this piece. Brighten and overcast day. Certainly different from most of your work I have read. I enjoed this contest entry very much! Glad you found and entered this one. You will entertain many, who need a good chuckle on this Monday. Thanks for sharing, God Bless. What a bright, eye popping presentation. Your language used here in this work, sounds very much like a few old timers that still exist in this part of the U.S. terrific job!
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This is a lot of fun to read.
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I really needed this poem. The wit and humor I found here will stay with me for the rest of the day. Hillarious! Hahahaha. My grandma used to chew tobacco and spit in a "spitune" that sat on her fronmt proch. Boy was I repulsed, but she was a damn good aim, and to my recollection never missed no matter where she sat or stood on her porch. lol she made spitting an art form. She has been deceased since 1991, I miss her craftiness, and flavor. You have brought her to mind. She was quite a character, and your "Spit" reminds me of her. She lived to be 99. Thanks for this wonderful bit of humor on what is so real in my memory. Good luck with the contest. You are indeed diverse.
Much Love,
Renee
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Very Funny enjoyed a good luagh from it,
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I can't bear it when people spit!!! Funny poem written in the accent well!!
Lakota x -
Really amusing! Can we get a second part of it? I really liked the way you wrote this poem! Very creative, and the personages were absolutely well described! Whenever you write something alike, please let me know!
Good luck in the contest!
Mari
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Sweets, it was set back in the 1800's, latter part, the West. I hadn't even thought about Arkansas until you said something. I've got relatives and friends who live in Arkansas, and I've never seen anybody resembling the depiction I lent here. Actually, the tobacco chewing and spitting came from my childhood, watching my Missouri relatives chew and spit. They wore overalls, and just lived as they chose. Interesting. My mother's side. Her elders, mainly. I loved running through the cornfields, picking the watermelons, (Huge) and watching them pull whole leaves of tobacco from the fields, a plant and roll it right then and there, to smoke. Very interesting. They're all gone now, but not my memories. I loved this place, and yet I was a city girl. Glad you enjoyed!--Kel
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terrific
haha. I thought this would be something completely different. I'm from Arkansas, so it sounds like what other people hear about us Arkansans. However I've met maybe 2 people like that in my life lol. It was so funny, i'll have to go change my pants now. good job -
ha...ha...just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by it's cover.
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Lol Kelly it is like a breath of fresh air. Loved the style. you did a brilliant job and great humour too with a great story. actually all the ingredients of a great story are here humour suspense well drawn characters a story that unfolds holding your attention and one just wonders what comes next. yep kel you have us here hanging on to every word
The last two lines are priceless. -
excellent & hilarious
Oh...I just loved this one. I hadn't a notion where you were going with this one, Kell...but I was so enjoying the ride that I didn't care. And, the characters! My goodness...how do you do that? I could never create characters so richly painted, and you did it with such a true poets best rhyme and rhythm. You always take my breath away with your poetry...which was a bit hard on me in this case, I must admit. It is hard to laugh when you're already breathless before you start. I love it though...for all that it brought on near asphyxiation. Thanks so much for sharing this excellent, hillarious poem...and best of luck in the contest...though I can't imagine your needing it.
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Kelly, this is an astounding well-written piece of poetry telling a delightful and enjoyable story! You even incorporated the unique voices. WELL DONE, Poet, very well done. I simply could find no flaw. ~~BonnieQ
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Thank you to all who commented. Glad you appreciated the unique style and meter, and that you got a good laugh from the story. The good guy always wins! Also have an historical published under my pseudonym Kelly R. Stevens, titled, "The Mystery of Merrimer Lake," where Cleetus and Clem are in it, running a Mercantile, or I should say, Clem is running the Mercantile, while Cleetus is spitting. Available on Amazon.com. I wrote the poem first, then the time-travel, but loved these twins so much, I had to put them in as minor characters, and they do create havoc! LOL! Will visit each of you soon. Making the rounds. Appreciate each of you very much!--Kel
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Man, that's funny. ANd the guitars on the border make me think that this is, or could be, a Country music hit!
Twang.
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This was wonderful. Thank you. I really did need a good laugh. I also was able to appreciate the style in which you penned it. Originality always gets my close attention. This is the first of your poetry that I have had the chance to read, and I hope you write more like it. Think I will go see if you already have. This was really an excellent story. Keep up the wonderful writing.
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I like westerns
This is very funny.
very creative and a great read.
the spitting reminds me of a clint eastwood movie
And it has a happy ending too
I'm still laughing
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Well done
LOL this was unlike anything else I've seen on this site. The dialect was perfect and the rhyme scheme was very good also. Nice job on this. Good luck in the contest; thanks for sharing. Great story...everything was fantastic =) -
I have to say, this was awesome and kept my interest the entire way through. Great theme, style and meter. I would applaud this several times if I could. This is defiantely talent!!!
TD -
Kelly, This is cute could tell its country telling tales lol,
you did wonderful on the accient even though I couldn't here it outlound LOL......Do you happen to have a southern drawn sis? Just wondering cause you sure would have been a great Kentucky or Alabama southern u tell me some stories if I ever get up that way Now I wanna here that sang when ya do ok?
Hugs,Sis
Just kidding sis your wonderful even in Texas -
A strange and funny piece that had me laughing. Good work on this! As dittysri said, any interruption in flow was made up for by the humour. I hope you win this, and I'm glad I clicked on it. I hate the fact that the featured box allows people to take your points with a click. Good luck!
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om brilliant lol good luck in the contest
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Thank you, Chuck; I was sure you'd enjoy this one, especially after reading the one you penned. Your write reminded me of this one, and I hadn't thought about it in a long, long time. It has actually been recited and acted out by various characters on stage, several times, as well as being read outloud by my father, retired from the Navy, without all the props and such. Strange, but I haven't read it before a microphone myself. Hmmm. Not any of my poetry actually. And, that was something I was supposed to do last year! LOL! Maybe this year. I really would love to do something more with my poetry. Again, thank you for the visit. So pleased you enjoyed this.--Kel
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A little tough ta work through, but after all you said...
Reading was a sure nough pleasure, wish I'da said it instead!!
My boots they be a jangling and my drawers theys a long.
But, me heart is with ya...singing along!
Great Write! I loved it. This is one to revisit in a month or so and read again. It will give me a fresh appeal each time I see it and perhaps even relight the old firepit. lol. Such a beautiful lady to be so richly appointed. chuck -
Thank you to all the comments on this old piece! Love it when some of my earlier work is read. Glad you enjoyed this one, especially since it's not what I am used to writing, and also glad it provided a good "belly laugh" for those who needed it. I know how that feels. Love to you all!--Kel
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I like this. I love the story the hero triumphs over all. Great piece, interesting story. I usually have a hard time following a longer peice but you managed to keep my interest up. This was VERY good, you are talented. I'm surprised I haven't read more from you before. Thanks for reading "An American Tale" too.
~*Destiny*~
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This is an enjoyable read Kelly, I love the change in vocabulary to fit the story line. It was fun to read.
Red -
sure took me back to the old westerns on telly when I was a kid sure enjoyed this Kelly made the old imagation work overtime and gave me a good old belly laugh ride them cowgirl
pauline xox
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ROFLOL great comedy poem
Smiling ear to ear... Already laughed my butt off! Takes a lot to get a belly laugh from me. You made, my day! Thanks! I do also like variety! You did outstanding job with this. It flows and reads so easily. By line 2, I didn't care how long it might be. The piece had me hooked for a good old western tale. This country up here is still full of such characters in the rmote area. Our state history is filled with them.My hubby doesn't understand poetry at all. I think,, we can show him something he will read and say that poetry? I like it! Finally, someone has provide me with something he will understand. The old rodeo bullride, bareback and saddle bronc rider and rancher al his life. This is so much like one of his days gone by books and tales. The bright red is just BEST!!!! God Bless and thanks 4 leaving this for us to see.
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hm... I thought I had read lal of your poems you have ever posted. Well I guess I am wrong there then huh? This was good Kelly, liked the ol' western feel to this. the people in it and the whole feel was really good. Well done.
Natalia -
To change style and still present a good piece is true artmanship ( is that a real word?)
Once I got onto the swing of this piece it just rolled down the screen with one smile after another.
Kelly, you didn't miss with this one.
Andrew -
laughed til I cried
Any irregularities with structure or flow are more than made up for with the humor of the piece. I hadn't seen this side of you before and I must say I like it. Sounds like a story I might tell if I lived in Texas, hahahahaha. Hey, know what you mean about spending points and getting only one or 'no' comments. Isn't that rude? -
The voice and humor in this is great. Did I so soon forget to say it's also so original and entertaining.
Thanks for sharing. This was a great diversion in the afternoon. Please keep the others in the series coming along so we can indulge in them with you.
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"Heck no! Ole Cleetus didn't care. He's miss that brass spittoon and spit anywhere."
I really love this line and this poem, in general. The flow seemed a bit off at times. The beet in which many rhyme poem's follow is not really that evident here. Well, one thing I can say about this poem was that it was really entertaining. I just wanted to read on. Very good though rethink some of the wording so the flow is smoother. Just being honest. -
This was outrageous and funny
Sounds like an old western dialouge
Hey thought u was going to enter my contest lol
I loved this one
Thanks for making me laugh
I got 2 new ones up
One about an abused kitten and love lost with backgrounds my first ever I learned how YEAH
Do come see me
Miss your comments
Love ya
Susan~~~~~~
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Ha! Thanks Patrick! Glad it brought back some good memories. I promoted this old write just to get some smiles on the poet's facing gracing AP. Bothers me, though. I spent a lot of point, and only garnered one comment, and then the write was taken off. Hmmm. Gonna go deal with this crap! Love ya, Patrick, always. Be well. --Kel
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This is great! as a story and as a poem. Think ol cleet mustaq gave my uncle chester some aimin lessons!. my aunt used to say that the safest place to be when he was chawin wuz rightyere in his spit can. first piece of impressionist art I ever saw made me think of their back porch after years of chawin and spittin.
Cant wait for the next installment. LOL
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Not a problem, SockMonkey! Kelly
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don't touch it!
I didn't mean to type neutral. -
Thanks Ann, Sharon and Jaden for the comments. Glad you got a laugh out of this. Figured we needed it around here 'bout now. Lol! Thanks for stopping in. ;)Kelly
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don't touch it!
The story-teller comes out in you. Loved this. ;O) -
don't touch it!
despite the slight nausea (my imagination is a little too vivid for my stomach), it was a fun read. -
don't touch it!
R O LF L M A O !!!
Kelly..this is fabulous...
a great and entertaining write.....i loved it.
Thanks for sharing the smiles around.
Ann -
neutral
Congrats for making this, accolades justly won! I just went right into it... Cool. -
don't touch it!
I can honestly say I was very entertained by this piece.Very good write and very amusing! -
Ahhh, that's so sweet, CZ/DB, thanks for the double verdict, glad you enjoyed. Yeah, I, too, study human nature, every avenue possible! And, Barbs, I knew you'd enjoy this one too, now I'm off to read 'Sniffer.' Lol! Love that title! Love to you both too! ;)Kelly
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don't touch it!
Kelly this is great, love it to bits, my pop-pop had a spitoon on his hearth, he never used it but just the thought of it made me feel bad...having said that i've just written a ditty called Sniffer!
A really enjoyable read..
Barbsxx -
don't touch it!
I wanted to vote on this twofold since I don't think we have enough verdicts. So...here's for the storyline and unique approach!!! #:o) -
excellent
You are RIGHT!!!!!Oh, KV..this was wonderful. I think that Cleetus would have been a bad influence on ol' Gus....?? Or what do ya think?? Spit n' fast women!! Hahaha...What a twosome.
Thank you for reading my story/poem, and odd how we had similar references. Guess we study human nature wherever they live!!! These things just drop out of some odd dimension in my head. Do they do that to you too?? ( uh.....made a pome' thar ) lol.
Looks like you got some really active responses. Makes it twice the fun!
Is this one published??? It should be!
Thank you..Hahaha...goin' at it! Love, CookieZ/DB -
Glad it gave you a laugh, TJ, always love that. Oh, and great dialogue there. 'Bull dust?' Wow! Learn something new everyday. Lol! I just love Aussies--have always wanted to travel to Australia, probably more than anyplace on earth except for Rome. But, I do love the Aussies! Lol! ;)Kelly
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excellent
Yorl shore got sum garl durn funny customs in tha states. Cheetus spits bakkie. Aussies spit bull dust. (This dust has been known by other names) Thank you Kelly Ha Ha Ha great chuckle -tj- -
Thanks, Cynicism 101, glad you enjoyed this little 'side venture' of mine. Wrote this for my father who enjoys reading and reciting 'Cowboy Poetry.' Did it for him. I don't generally draw to anything of a cowboyish nature. Lol! So, this write was, literally, way out of my comfort zone. Strangely, though, it's been published and recited now by many poets across the country, so it's traveled. Never expected this. Just goes to show you that you never know where your words will travel and whom they will touch, or what's awaiting around that next bend. Thanks for dropping in!;)Kelly
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neutral
Great story, dude. -
;) See? Told you!
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excellent
Well, finally. This is what I was looking for. None of that Ms Nicey, Nice, Let's have some spit! Down to earth. You can see the dust. Cough. Cough. He spit in peace the rest of his days, all right! Too bad he didn't get the girl, tho. -
Thanks, Windsong and Mikaela, for the comment. This was way off the beaten path for me, but kind of fun, even though I'm a city chick, but thought I captured the essence of 'cowboy' or 'pioneer' spirit. Just fun to break boundaries of the imagination, that aren't there if you break them. Lol! Yes! No boundaries.--Kelly
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neutral
Very good, kind of written in a style that gives an old country style, well thats how I saw it anyway :) -
don't touch it!
heartwarming story! -
You're welcome for the laugh, Rodney--We all need it once in awhile. Also, I wanted to thank you for all your kind comments to everybody in the chatterbox. I've seen that you go out of your way to make others feel welcome, and even boost spirits with your comments at various poetry sites, mine included. Just wanted you to know somebody was watching, and you are a very kind, considerate, special human being. Wish I'd learned of you a long time ago. Thanks again, from me, and everybody as I'm sure they won't mind my speaking for them, those you've touched, but I believe people need to be told when they're going out of their way to give and uplift, and you do that so well.((Hugs)) from Kelly
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don't touch it!
OUTRAGEOUS!!!
Nuff said.
Thanx for the laugh. -
Thanks, flowery, I'm going to check out your site too. Thanks for the sweet comments.--Kelly
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encouraging
This has to be one of my favorites so far!!Great work!!I'm gonna hafta read more of yours now:D -
Thanks, Melissa, glad it tickled your funny bone. We all need to laugh once in awhile. There's actually five 'Cleetus Jones' story/poems, a series, just have to get them in. With my schedule, it's hard enough keeping up with the task of simply living. Lol! I'll get more posted soon. Thanks so much for droping in. You are much appreciated!--Kelly
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ok... all I can say is... LOLOL this was hilarious! ~Melissa
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Thanks, Spacekake, for your encouraging comment on a most difficult piece. Please, drop by more often. Thanks again.
Kelly -
This is a great, great story. The imagery was clear and the characters were vivid and entertaining. You make the reader see it all going down. Wonderful work.
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Thanks, Sprite and Rage for your comments. Yes, I love diversity, the very challenge of it. Glad you enjoyed this piece.
Kelly -
Interesting, and more amusing than funny...kinda like the Beverly Hillbillies theme :P
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For you, diversity is obviously a great thing! WOnderful story!
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Thanks Priestess and Doug, glad you enjoyed 'Spit.' Thanks so much for the comments. See you soon.
kvwriter/Kelly -
quite the tale... enjoyment to the extream... form perfect... go you...
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lol... very funny...
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Thanks Birchwood and Burnt. Glad you enjoyed Cleetus' antics. You might take a look at The Rundersuk, suk as in took, as I went to great pains to form a different language, my own, while writing a meaningful piece, similar to Jabberwocky, I guess, by Lewis Carol. Give that one a glimpse and let me know your thoughts. I love experimenting. Thanks to all! Sorry this is under Dogbane, we both use the same computer. Kvwriter
Kelly -
Thanks Birchwood and Burnt. Glad you enjoyed Cleetus' antics. You might take a look at The Rundersuk, suk as in took, as I went to great pains to form a different language, my own, while writing a meaningful piece, similar to Jabberwocky, I guess, by Lewis Carol. Give that one a glimpse and let me know your thoughts. I love experimenting. Thanks to all!
Kelly
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