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Hand Down Endangered Sea Monster

Reverbing diagnosis with disgruntle cromtosis
it's a made up word with made up disease
tonight is the night i commit to the statement kept
under lock and key
i found the paper of eviction now follow through
with the assumptions about me
i will satisfy your groaning and sighing
between forefinger and thumb i pound down a fate
it's your head in the distance squelched like a grape
from out of the ocean my dreams and inhibitions
the current being so high and salty but oh so very dry
pointed the blame and called out the name of the game
who can do this longer?
'just do it' the poster on the locker
'so i will' the marker on the tee-shirt
killing me still

it all goes back to a date and time
being the first time to inject
your new coping skill

being your new monkey on the back
the hypocrite smiling, twirling with the amount of shallow things
misspelling over and over and over again it comes out clear
and aggressive now you will do nothing for it only say
i am sorry then repeat and stir into a frothy lather
standing by close to the fire hydrate mystery
how many feet was it
which direction were my tires to be pointed?
i am angled into a perfect obtuse
smelling of nothing of hard work and this was how
the one i swore to loved me best
in my sweat
where is the one that left me here sick?
don't you dare object to the wanting
asking you for mercy and i get nothing

same word flow same matching
swallowing more than ever
working hard with your stutter
the one that scared me the most as you
flew one over the cuckoo's nest

Author notes

Thoughts thought from under a clock

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • pieplate
    July 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Usually I don't go for this sort of thing, but this one really works! I like the way you use allusions between words, changing the part of speech ("angled into obtuse"). For me, your line breaks sometimes work very nicely (1-21), sometimes clumsy (23-24; 30-31). This would be very easy to fix. I should stop here: I think maybe I've contracted cromtosis.


    • Annexed Josephine
      July 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much! I will have to take a look at those lines. I really like this poem and would consider it to be my favorite out of everything I have ever written.

      Cromtosis is a very deadly disease. You should lay down.


  • Max Ritvo
    June 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have great cadence- and a really sensitive control of line breaks- it makes this poem huff and puff and barrel onward and burst at the hinges with pressure. You could sharpen your humor a bit by varying your language and structure to make it pop: you could switch passive voice "being your new monkey" to a present voice- more arresting and a bit snarkier. You do that well when you "squish the heads" of those that have prejudged your rent situation.

    Thematically this piece was a bit broken- which I understand was intentional- but is also cheap and easy. The true great ramblers have sparkling lucidity underneath their broken narrative, and we forgive them some passing nonsense if it drives us to understand more of the character. I feel like your narrative gets so broken- we end up not gathering much about the character on some of the shorter tangents. The bit about the rent was brilliantly played off, and some of the relationship scenes were brilliantly played off. (I especially adore "inject your new coping skill)


    Thank you for sharing this piece.


  • Blooming Poet
    May 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you do not read thre rules


    • Annexed Josephine
      May 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah. the trophy thing. Yes.

      Thanks for you lack of consideration.

      But.

      Your contest.


  • Bleak Cult ure
    March 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think this poem is really well done and the one before this one is also really cool.

    I can't figure out what all of it means, but im feelin ya dog.

    I think you broke whatever it was holding you back from writing.

    Even though I never saw anything wrong with your others.

1 - 6 of 6