So, you toss another penny
in life's swirling wishing well,
And you take another chance,
And you spin the spinning wheel.
Nothing ever changes
but the players in the game,
The rules are still fouled up,
The stakes are still the same.
And tho' you think you've learned
your lesson in the past,
Seems all those lessons
never make the learning last;
'Cause what it all comes down to,
The reason that you carry-on,
playing games that you're losing,
Is just. . .the lonely gets too long.
You can't make it through the night,
'tho you always say you will.
The rooms are all too empty.
The silence is too still.
So, you toss another penny
In life's swirling wishing well
And you jump a painted pony
And take a ride through Hell.
Author notes
Please Workshop This Poem
The 4th line of the 1st verse is intended to be an inexact, subtle rhyme (not like Hell, spell, fell).
A contest entry
- THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please Workshop this poem
Comments
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Has a good rhythm, imagery and rhyme, but needs the punctuation to keep the reader from breaking into a gallop as they read.
I read this in two ways, firstly I created pauses where it felt they should be and then I read it as it is written. The second read was stuttered as the start of each line was capitalised which made it read like a list. Use punctuation to create the emphasis and the pauses where YOU want them to be, not where the reader THINKS they should be, this allows you to lead the reader where you want them to go.
Stanza 1 doesn’t have the same rhyming scheme as the rest of the poem where you have gone with an even line ending rhyme, maybe that is deliberate; if so it makes that stanza seem a little “out of place”
The ellipsis although used in the right context should be “just... the”, basically no space after the last word, then the three “.”, then a space, then the following word.
Just a few small edits and I feel you will have something well written that flows well.
Good luck.
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I only saw comma in the whole write. I would either add the rest that are needed, or your reader will stumble with the breaks.
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Please put “PLEASE WORKSHOP MY POEM!” in your authors notes.
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