Something is missing
In your nicotine smile
Your eyes so hollow
Dull of our lives
There is no more power
In the broken, shattered life
So hollow in the mind
Not understanding this empty lie
There is nothing in the water
No simplicity of denial
A river so deep
A stream so shallow
There is nothing left to realize
No one here cares
There's nothing worth fighting for
Bruised & beaten, turn to stone
There is no more dull
Just empty memories
Like shallow graves
And broken bones
There is only shame
Only sorrow
Only hatred
Only emptiness
Author notes
I'm not sure exactly what it is.
Facelessness, or becoming faceless I think.
Well....suppose you can give me something to work with?
Comments
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Its not bad
This poem has the potential of Being really good, but it sounds a little off. The rhythm of the poem is not constant throughout which makes the poem feel incomplete. I am not sure what you were going for but i think the last line of this poem should be "Only emptiness" not " only empty". Also you talk about an empty lie, what is the lie? it feels like it is an incomplete thought that only you would understand.
The Second to last stanza is really good, i love your use of imagery there. The idea in this poem is good, but i think you need to try reading it from an outsiders perspective.
Personally i know that when i write a poem i read it so many times that it always makes sense to me, but when someone else reads it they are lost because they don't know my thoughts so they cant understand what i am trying to say. so just take a step back, and read it like it is the first time your have ever read it. Then ask yourself whats missing.
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