once upon a time
all the crimson in the roses
couldn't beat my blush.
secret whispers of the wind
paled in front of my sighs.
neither dainty dandelion
matched the spring in my gait.
and all the stars in the blue
shined from my eyes.
and now i remain
the undergrowth robbed
of all its pretty blossoms,
the flaccid muted moans
of unknown unbeaten drums.
the furniture in the loft
untouched, unseen:
since we are 'things'
and thats the way we've been.
why did
you make me walk on needles
to prove myself true.
you walk away from me
when all i needed was you.
discussions turn to debates
need for a winner-loser ensue.
the person i know
become the person i knew.
its time
i pressed
the damned shift-delete,
i stopped
living beneath your feet.
i started
really appreciating this 'me',
i ceased
being what you wanted me to be.
PS: Walking is healthy,
is that why you tread over me?
Author notes
Sounds foolish, this explanation, but every sub-title on top is meant to be read before each new line of the stanza.
*giggles*
A contest entry
- Bring on the cake - It's time for a pity party by Suzanne Dia.
3500 points, ended April 2, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm not good at much, but I'm great at listening. by Sin Aesthetic.
600 points, ended June 21, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Help Me Make It Better
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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one of my favorite. :]
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they stamp, crush, kill, poke, all of us... they're all jerks...
This is gorgeous Shuvi...
- namita
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I am SO sorry I didn't comment here, somehow this entry got past me
I feel awful about this.
I love the voice here, it's exactly what I was looking for. I want to kick Allpoetry for letting this entry sneak by. I really do.
Thanks so much for coming to my Party, and I offer a reallllly big piece of cake with a rose on it, because those are the coveted prize at any party.
I've been walked on more than once, it gets tiring, doesn't it??
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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...time nahin hai proper comment karne...
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It's really quite a lovely poem and a very worthy entry in Suzi's contest. I know she was looking for this type of self-reflection. I particularly liked "the person i know / become the person i knew." It's very simple and straightforward, but elegantly summarizes the pain and self-pity that the poem is intended to capture. Nicely done.
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This was a very well written piece and the first two stanzas were wonderful...the only possible flaw would be that you didn't go into as much descriptions in the latter stanzas and it's usually best to stick to the same form throughout Also, you may want to capitalize the 'I', capitalize the words after the stops and most importantly start using punctuations, for it not only improves the flow-but also the readability lol.Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest
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