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Vampire Romance

Fly into the world with dark-red eyes,
Let blood and anger fill you up;
Go forward and never stop,
You only get a chance, no tries.

No feelings anymore, you're on your own,
Therefore, the world is yours and you're the world's;
And so, useless being all the words,
In silence, black and white and grief you'll mourn.

And I will answer your dark call
And fly right next to your sad soul;
I'll teach you then how to be whole,
I'll be your one, you'll be my all.

And then, we'll always be together,
And I'll be just as good as you;
And then, we'll shine in dark forever,
And then we'll be forever two.

Author notes

Have I gotten a little out of hand? Well, be it as it may, brand new sparkling shiny poem. Any suggestions GREATLY appreciated!
Qwerty

A contest entry

Looking forward to your opinions...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it, but I think the third and fourth lines of stanza 1 were a little cheesy, compared to the rest of the poem. I love the line about 'I'll be your one... You'll be my all." Orgasmotronic! Well done, and thanks for entering!

    Laura

  • Fitz1901
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is an extremley well written poem its so smooth, has a pretty unique description of love. I thoroughly enjoyed it, its a very cool piece.

    Thanks for entering.


  • Blooming Poet
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very well penned. I agree with tehzeeb this poem is very well done, but just is not for me either. Great work.


  • tehzeeb
    May 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you really dont need any sugessions for this poem, it's great, but not for me


  • checkers12
    May 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really liked this poem...If it wasn't for my contest being on emotion...you would have won...I can't get over this poem...Its words keep playing over in my mind...so wonderful and capturing...It puts images in my mind and does so much...its got so much power and greif...it just makes me want to read it over and over again...Everything about this poem captures my mind and holds its attention...I really wish I would have let you win...but like I said...The contest was based upon a emotion...but I suppose this could be emotion...Great Write...Really wonderful....Best one in the contest...Sorry you didn,t win!!!! Brilliant!


    • masky
      May 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Wow, I was ASTONISHED when I read this comment! I know, the emotional part in it was sort of hidden, because lately I've been undergoing some emotional stress (And very bi-polar stress, too, although I am not bi-polar. Even though I think I might be! LOL!), and I thought that the best way of letting out my feelings was to rephrase everything I wanted to say in a more...neutral way.
      I want to thank you for the Bronze trophy - I consider it a win!! Thanks a lot, a lot, a lot!


  • Hate-And-Pain
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A very well written piece, dark yet so intriuging...I really liked it...well done

  • checkers12
    May 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Holy Freakin...Crap...This captures me for one reason...I obsess about VAMPIRES!!!!My nightmares and dreams behold them and during the day they fill my mind...this is wonderful...!!!!!


  • N e a r
    April 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    You definitely brought of the Vampire feel in this one! I could not have said it better than jcat ~ "I think that you executed the plot very well here". Puuuurrfect. There are many lines which really stand out. Those are:

    i) "You only get a chance, no tries."

    ii)"Therefore, the world is yours and you're the world's;"

    iii)"I'll be your one, you'll be my all."

    iv)"And I'll be just as good as you;
    And then, we'll shine in the dark forever,"

    I like the enchanted feeling coming from this piece. Like I said, your lines stand out. Your words make so much sense, and they are remarkable. Very much enjoyed.
    Thanks for your entry, and good luck!


  • jcat gold member
    April 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A fantastic tale of vampire love!! I think that you executed the plot very well here and enjoyed it very much. Well done and best of luck in the contest


  • daviscth silver member
    April 17, 2008

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    I really like this poem. I haven't read one quite like this and it makes for a nice change. Good luck in the contest.


  • individuality gold member
    April 15, 2008

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    a good piece, different to the normal vampire poems i read in the site which is good, there is a light element here too rather than being all dark and gloomy

    • masky
      April 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for both the comment and the clappies ( guilty of calling them that! ) - much appreciated!


  • DrkPoet
    April 5, 2008

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    Very nicely done, vampires are always a great topic to write about. The only suggestion that I might make is you use "and" to start alot of your sentences you might try to expand that with another word otherwise it's good. Thanks for entering.


  • Jeremy0826 silver member
    April 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think you did a great job with this
    one! Good luck to you with it in the contest
    and thanks for sharing it here!




    Jeremy0826


  • Beautyfull-x-Angel
    March 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i love this poem... ... i think its perfect ... ... delighful even


  • DeadlyPoetic88
    March 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    AHH!!! This was fantastic. It made me think of the book Twilight. lol. I love vampire anything so yeah. This was very good. I don't have any suggestions at this time. Keep up the fantastic job.


    • masky
      March 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much!! It made me feel all warm and fuzzy, indeed

1 - 18 of 18