I lay in bed at night ~
watching the curtains move
with the motion of the breeze
the wind seems to carry
with it whispers,
voices of the lost
sometimes, when I listen close enough
I can hear your voice
among those whispers
calling to me & reminding me
of a time long gone
it wraps around me like a blanket
turning my skin icy cold;
I know what the whispers are saying:
tales of secrets never to be told
carried only with the wind
your voice speaks
of what we once were
& what you meant
then, as the curtain pulls back
from another slight breeze,
it reminds me of how
you were taken away
and as I lay in bed
watching the darkness
dissolve into day,
the breeze stops
the voices dim
and it is then that I remember
~ you are truly gone ~
the words you say
are not words
only whispers,
given to me each night
and carried on the wind….
Author notes
I chose to use the topic of whispers in this, trying to create the imagery of the night, and the secrets and whispers it brings in comparison to the light of day... its kinda random, and i chose not to use rhyme, instead i tried to create a steady flow. please be completely honest in your comments!
thanks so much to Grimoire for helping me work on my form and presentation!
A contest entry
- Daily 24 our contest by creationsfromheart.
525 points, ended March 22, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Private contest by creationsfromheart.
450 points, ended March 24, 2008, 4 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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great poem
I really liked this poem so much. I am new to this site so was just reading poems and must say this poem is really great mostly because of the fact that this poem says a lot. Especially the line in which you described the words remaining as just whispers has a slight sad touch to it however a very meaningful line it is and it all sounds so very true. Really loved this poem so much. You are a great writer.
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Why does everything you write remind me of my ex?? It was a great write.
and it is then that I remember
~ you are truly gone ~
Fave line, it have such meaning and depth. again it made me want to cry. I love your writing heaps!
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honest
I think you honestly captured what you were looking for. the wind makes you think of so much if you truelly listen to it and some days you feel like loved ones are talking to you through it. that is how I felt here in your work. greatly done
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Thank you for a wonderful entry into the contest I like this very much and wish you good luck
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i like this poem it was great i like how this poem flowed..you are great with expressing urself..gud write =)
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How did you put exactly what I'm feeling into words like I can't?! I loved this. Very well done. I'm glad I got the chance to read it.
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this poem was amazingly writen, i can relae to it because the wind carries both strength and wonder with it, the wind can also be forceful and reminding of pas times. well done
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I really liked this one. It gave me this eerie, other-worldly feeling as I read it. As if I were drifting, trancelike. The imagery was effective. I felt as if the poem should have ended after the words "you are truly gone." I had been transported to the moment of realization, and then it felt odd when the poem continued.
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It reads smoothly, though if broke into a few stanzas it would probably be much more readable. Overall, it captures the essence of the moment... and the comparison/contrast of the whispers to night/day is clear within.
until exhale,
Grimoire -
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thank you so much for your suggestion, it was so kind of you! i will definitely be using your advice, thanks so much!
xo -
thanks so much for your comment! i have always been kinda slow with the whole stanzas and form thing, i've never really learnt to do it, i just kinda make things up if you go along. if you have the time, i would love you to show me what you mean when you say breaking it into stanzas, i think it could really help. if not, i totally understand! thanks again for your lovely comment xo
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Here ya go! Suggestions on form
I lay in bed at night ~
watching the curtains move
with the motion of the breeze
the wind seems to carry
with it whispers,
voices of the lost
sometimes, when I listen close enough
I can hear your voice
among those whispers
calling to me & reminding me
of a time long gone
it wraps around me like a blanket
turning my skin icy cold;
I know what the whispers are saying:
tales of secrets never to be told
carried only with the wind
your voice speaks
of what we once were
& what you meant
then, as the curtain pulls back
from another slight breeze,
it reminds me of how
you were taken away
and as I lay in bed
watching the darkness
dissolve into day,
the breeze stops
the voices dim
and it is then that I remember
~ you are truly gone ~
the words you say
are not words
only whispers,
given to me each night
and carried on the wind….
.................................
This is ONLY a suggestion. I think everyone has a unique style (or should) when it comes to form, capitalization, etcetera.
until immolation,
Grimoire
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goosebumps!
thank you for this piece...made me think of a past love/lover and how his essence still haunts me...very good write. good luck in the contest.
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beautifully written!
the simple words with in depth meaning
was definitely fascinating! =]
i like how you've connected the interaction
between the curtain and the wind
with someone special in one of your memories
pretty much glad to read this ^^
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Touching
It does flow very well. The words you chose nearly brought tears to my eyes, just thinking of the possible meaning of this poem. Excellent job.
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It's to be honest not my type of poetry, but I really liked parts of it very much, good work.
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its beautiful!! the imagery is just amazing and there's a good flow and rhythm.. loved the way you've portrayed the entire scene.. just superb.. thanx for sharing..
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