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Death of A Lioness

Manes grow in fields
    dictated by the scarecrow;
lionesses sprouting on tufts,
harbor forests in their wombs.
An axe prepares,

rubbing against

    barks of the baobab,
to commit suicide
and the poacher
shears his own skin,

selling it to the night.

But the ivory tusks of sunrise
return to avenge themselves,

 

sinking into the pond;
wounded ripples spread
across the water's body
like a lust-fire

 

seizing the forest
inside the pregnant lioness,
that dies of thirst
 while water bleeds to death.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Arkbear gold member
    March 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Congrats Raazi :)

    Your score from me was 99.55 -

    ....and just because I did give you the best review, does not mean I could not see talent :)

     

    Bear ~


  • luckynsincere
    March 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I must disagree with my favorite sweet judge bear I think that word is perfect in this write... something about the colors that mesh so very well together... lovely. I enjoyed.

    My only suggestion would be to make the font a bit larger

    I can tell you will be a tough cookie in this challenge. i really am lookng forward to reading more of you in the future.

    At the close of this contest there will be a link to a group left in final comments. It is required for you to join this group, in order to continue in this competition.

    sincerely,

    Mel

  • Arkbear gold member
    March 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hi there :)

    Welcome to the Poetic Challenge contest ~

    :)

     

    The first thing I noticed, was the *scarecrow* seemingly out-of-place in this write ~

     

    ...and I almost did not grasp the water either.......because to me, the land of Africa, Lions and Lionnesses are covered in desert like conditions....and only a small watering hole can I picture ~

     

    I think your depth in this write has great credibility....but some of the imagery you brought to me, has no place in the picture I see for this Theme ~

     

    Nonetheless.....I took your words and went with them.....and you have done well ~

     

    The font is a little small for these poor eyes....but I managed ~

     

    Your metaphores are wonderful and powerful.....your Title is superb, and your Tone is quite good ~

     

    There is one thing I will say for your future reference.........I will be looking for Focus on your Theme.........so try to not cover your main topic up with loose words and hidden agendas ~

     

    The best thing about this write, is the talent which is so apparent......you have a very mature quill....and it likes to show its' talents off   :)

     

    I think, if you stick around, you are going to give the other Poets a big run for the Gold in the Final Round :)

     

    So....with all that said....metaphorically, this is a masterpiece of imagery and insight......I am looking forward to seeing what you bring to the Poetic Challenge each and every Round,

     

    ...good luck to you and your entry.....your score shall be sent to your Host, Melanie,

     

    Bear ~