The pretty flower perched on a window sill
More than enough sun and water
to sustain life
But something isn't right.
She is a deep shade of gray
Her stem wilts in a peculiar way.
But when her owners come home
She perks up
The color arrives back into her petals
She forces her stem to stand
upright and healthy.
She doesn't want them
to make a huge deal about her.
She wants her owners to blissful
when they are near her.
But when nobody's around
The flower deepens in her
shade of gray.
She crumples
She crimples
She nearly dies
She's no longer a pretty flower.
Author notes
Ok so I editted it, what do you think? And also how do you spell window sill?
Comments
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I don't like this much, I don't want to seem mean when I say this! I feel bad. But I'll get over it somehow. To be honest, I think you have the right emotion but it could use rewording and some things could use rewriting. I want to see the end product when and if you do re write this. I believe in you you're good at writing.
Later Love&Peace Out Cub Scout?!
Natalie -
I actually really like this andwonder if you suffer from depression?? I only ask because you did an amazing job detailing someone who suffers from this disease. My best friend suffers from it horribly and she is always smiling even through her pain while everyone is around but when we all leave she wilts... You wrote this beautifully and the only critique I can give is that you used the word "wilts" and "wilting" in the same sentence so a bit repetitive but overall exceptional!!!! Very very very well done.....
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Good for a quick write. I like the idea of it, but it is a bit fluffy and weak. You know, the word choice. There arebetter words you can use then happy, pretty, sad, etc. It could be a lot more rich if you just used a better vocabulary. But for a quick write, it's not bad. I like how you put emotion in it. It has a powerful message behind it. Like how people act different in front of others than they act alone. Anyway, its good. Just needs some editing.
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I like the last stanza. The second line is a bit weak....maybe you should use a richer vocabulary there. Nice idea
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