Letter of Lessons I've Learnt

Dear 13 year old me,

I remember the look of sadness on your eyes, when people mocked you for your eyesight. How do I know this, because I am you. I lived the same memories as you, said the same words as you, even cried the same tears as you [and yes, I know there was a lot of those].

Soon, you are going to join a different school, the one you've been spending months trying to get into (remember, I know it all) - you'll get there, don't worry honey.

But it wont be all cuddles and kisses when you get there [or it is, but maybe that's the problem]. Do you know what an erection is? Because you'll find out honey, I'm sorry you'll find out (no its not your fault - or so we keep having to tell ourselves).

They'll devour your body darling and they'll use you, but keep your head up high (I know I never did) the colour of curiousity litters your face as you tell me whatever this means, you can handle it [I almost forgot how stubborn we were]. But honey, you can't handle it, you never did. When he touched your body, you hated yourself more than ever - even more than you did with Sherie or Charlene.

I'm sorry I didn't hurt him [or any of them] - nor that I didn't stand up for us, but I was frightened. You know that fear you got when Sherie just touched you and the time she whacked you around the knees with a metal bar? Well you know what it's like to be silenced honey, maybe that was our problem - we thought it was our cue to shut up oncemore and let the punishment begin.

But you'll never know the mistakes that I make us do and I'm sorry sweetheart that the phrase 'fuck' becomes used against you - I never meant to make things worse, I just wanted to be loved (yeah, so do you, you're just too afraid to admit it love).

We just wanted to have a partner - someone to hold us close and kiss us; to call us pretty and to protect us from the big, bad world [we never thought that they'd have to protect us from themselves] - I guess I still believe I'm a fool, but don't listen to this, adults aren't supposed to cry, are they?

When I said no - no was never enough and I know it wont be enough for you too. You'll feel shame overthrow you and realisation wont even hit you, til his hand is far too close for comfort and nobody is there to protect you [you never thought he'd do something like this, you gotta stop trusting people so easily honey and believing in the best of them]. Didn't he hear your cries? Yes, he did. 3 years later, he claims to be haunted by them every night - but then again a year after that he leaves you, when you needed him, so who knows if his words aren't all just lies [but at least he didn't try and rape you THAT time] - you'll hate me for dating him again, right?

You'll only understand when you live it, when you've been swallowed by guilt and self hate - though I know you feel that way already, it gets worse honey, least you don't think you're a slut in 2003. But honey, I'll always be here for you, because we're all eachother has ever had - when we were little, when we were a teenager and maybe even when we are grown up.

I have to go, my new partner who is 6 years older than me is texting me and I guess I better go back to him [yes, we date a guy older than us, Karl and James - oops, I mention their names - are both 3 years older than us as well]. You speak to this guy before we date anyway, in just over a years time - but don't be afraid, it'll all work itself out - I believe in fate now.

Never give up on love through the bad and the good, because as you know it's all that's ever kept us alive. I don't want you to do things any different than I did, because I got myself where I am today by going the way I did [I know it doesn't sound all that pleasant but I've met a nice guy and have some good friends, so I don't want to throw that away]. So please just remember to stay strong and hold onto the words that 18 year old Stef has said.

One day I will love you sweetie, but until then ~

Love always, 18 year old Stefanie (Stef, sorry).