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[ blossoms ]

blossoms
cover every branch
with honey bees

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • myron silver member
    June 3, 2008

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    lovely

    blossoms
    cover every branch
    with honey bees


    i like the images in this haiku. they are clear and vivid and they give me a nice picture.

    there is a school of haiku thought which likes to have a break in a haiku so it doesn't read like a run-on sentence, like this one appears to be. does this bother you at all, or are you happy to have the haiku in this format?

    i think this is the kind of haiku which could work well with the middle line as a pivot:

    blossoms
    on every branch
    honey bees


    i hope you don't mind my comments and suggestions. i know you are a good hakuist and my nit-pick is a tiny one, after all.


    best wishes,
    myron.


    • marlene47 silver member
      June 3, 2008
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      I think your suggestion is excellent!
      Before, I didn't feel the run-on sentence as the last line felt almost like an afterthought in my mind. Now reading it 2 months later it does feel like one sentence. Getting rid of "with" breaks the last line, and now the two ideas are juxtaposed.
      Pick away at any haiku I write, I trying to learn.
      Marlene


  • maa gold member
    March 26, 2008

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    yay !
    this was my favorite haiku in this contest ...
    congratulations on the silver, gifted lady ...


    maa


  • Haiku-bless-you gold member
    March 25, 2008

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    Brief but the imagery is full! Good AHA moment in line 3. Well Done Thanks for your entry Celebrating Spring.

    Dennis


    • marlene47 silver member
      March 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment and the silver. It was an actual moment that caught me by surprise - first seeing all the blossoms, and then, ah, all the bees! I'm hoping for lots of apricots soon.
      Marlene


  • dustookie2
    March 20, 2008

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    While I can enjoy the fragance and colour of the flowers watching these bees at work..thank you for the pleasure.
    Indeed a celebration of haiku. Good luck in the contest.


  • maa gold member
    March 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    happy spring, marlene !

    what a lovely image you are offering us here ... I can't wait until the lime tree will bloom and attract those precious friends, the bees, who will then offer me a humming-festival for several days outside my window ...

    god bless the bees !

    maa

1 - 7 of 7