Ruby-red distain,
rolls nimbly down each digit.
It flows and Flows,
and always grows,
hoping to turn you to paper.
Vemon drips;
in ruby slips
and prays to seize your heart.
The vine crawls,
and roughly cuts,
hoping to dye you green.
Blades so sharp,
that knives look tame.
Though i'm sure you've realized-
they aren't the same.
For they have intent,
and malice to match.
All pointed at you-
your life to snatch
most painfully,
and soon you'll see
there isn't an escape from the scales.
Hope dissipates,
Tears drowning in the fire.
for in the clutches,
of a Serpant Rose,
you're just as much a Liar.
Author notes
Tee hee.
I love the Idea of a serpant rose, so i tried to use imagery from both a snake a a rose with thorns.
hope you like it!
A contest entry
- The TITLE contest...show me how clever you are... by Demington.
700 points, ended March 24, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Interesting write ...
but I think you mean "venom", not "vemon". I agree with the host that the poem is a bit off-putting when you switch from one format to another randomly. Otherwise, not bad.
-
Alrighty...
There are a few places where you deal in a traditional ABCB rhyme scheme. This is distracting in comparison with the rest of your poem. "Match" and "snatch" ~ "tame" and "same" just don't work. The words are too simple and too bland. I would suggest trying to find some really powerful language, or even a bit of concrete detail in order to anchor the perhaps unfamiliar topic in a familiar physical detail. This will hook the reader and allow them to percieve this idea that they perhaps cannot fully wrap their minds around in a place they can fully relate to.
I hope this helps. I do very much enjoy this poem! -
Very well done! I have a few critiques but I have not the time to put them down right now. If you want me to include them at a later date, just message me.
I like this one a great deal!
Blessings,
C
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