Tracing symmetry
into repetition and retrospect,
with seconds caressing
her outstretched fingertips -
rising and falling
through ephemeral
arcs -
an authority wielded
with no method of comprehension
or control;
on occasion lying
constantly,
while on others
chiming truth
twice a day.
And sometimes...
stuttering from a lack of sleep
can trigger a [minor] hiccup,
in an otherwise uninterrupted cycle
of mirror images
and inverted palindromes
wherein that pause
déjà vu develops
into a somewhat higher notion,
of whether life is more
than moments, predetermined,
by hands more dextrous
than hers
...but so fleeting is the thought
a hummingbird’s heartbeat
could not catch it
and so it is always lost
in amongst
the
ticks
and
tocks
Author notes
Does the ending make it too obvious? Well duh of course it does.
From reading everyone else this round the only thing that will save me is if someone doesn't enter
I think it is ironic that man invented a device to measure something that I believe is immeasurable and ultimately it is a unique exercise. Spose it helps organise things though
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 8 [Top 7] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended March 22, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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good rhythmic writing; the subject ephemeral yet universal law, very difficult to lock on. I liked particularly 'hummingbird's heartbeat' for the immeasurable instant, and the mirror images made me see a pendulum. I've written of the pause between tick and tock, but still know little.
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"I've written of the pause between tick and tock, but still know little" - wow, love that.
Thank you
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Beautifull write, smoothly written, a great flow, and word usage. Eloquently put, a piece deserving of attention. Good job! My favorite line was stuttering from a lack of sleep
can trigger a [minor] hiccup,
in an otherwise uninterrupted cycle
of mirror images' a neat image, well written! Keep up the great writing!
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I adore this poem, it carries a stong message, though my mindframe is having trouble defining it, I know it's there, and that's the first sign of depth within.
I shall continue to review your work.
Well done.
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Very good, as I've come to expect ...
from you. This section is particularly apt:
...but so fleeting is the thought
a hummingbird’s heartbeat
could not catch it
(but I'd remove the ellipsis since it doesn't seem to work well there, and I'd change "catch" to "envelop".)
Otherwise, this is nigh onto perfect. Seems odd to me that you don't do better in those "Teen Idol" contests, but then you are a more mature writer than most of them, and that probably works against you.
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Lol, wow, thank you for such high praise, coming from you it means a lot.
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Personally ...
I think it's a hell of a job.
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This is beautiful.
I love the lines :
with seconds caressing
her outstretched fingertips
They blew me away. The imagery created by this piece is amazing, it makes me want to run away and draw pretty pictures. Your word choice throughout this is excellent and you used my favourite word -ever-, Hiccup. The ending of this poem is wonderful, the tick tock really hit me and I can just hear the echo of it fading away, lovely :]
Well done, a beautiful poem. I love it.
Arc-En-Ciel--x
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You got eliminated from Teen Idol for amazing-ness like THIS?
I'm gonna have to have a talk with Tyler. 
I think this rocks. I especially love the "ticks and tocks" ending, so cool.
I loved it.
~Cassie
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Mucho gracias, but I think it was my previous rounds that caused my downfall. Glad you like it though lol
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I re-scored Raazi one more time - and no more, so it is only fair that I will re-score you too.
Not really much of an increase, but it is better.
new score: 93.6 -
Was a little disappointed with ending - not the words but the flow, the format and just the spacing - it's unnecessary in my eyes and brought down the flow a little.
Apart from that - I loved it. It was smooth with such stark and brilliant phrasing. The imagery had spurts and hidden which works extremely well in this piece.
I would apprieciate comments, putting yourself down in the authors notes, to be left until after this is judged or to yourself. Not being mean but also not wanting to read it in amongst the notes of poem itself.
The key with your work is to keep finding the muse that springs to flow - not forcing it out. With people looking over poems for you - its a good idea and definitely perks up the pieces well.
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You're definitely getting better in your writes. I was talking with Heather the other day and we both agree that you're really improving - and as I told t, it's a plus point and really, all that counts.
Good luck in this round, and don't bring yoursef down - you're doing really good
Never ♥
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Feck..
a duck!... isn't this "idle teen". U.F.I.
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Lmao!
Love it
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Nicely done.
Yes, It's almost as if the very measure of time is an attempt to control which can't be done.
I like this a lot among the ones you've written.
Paul
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Your score: 93.0
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"rising and falling
through ephemeral
arcs
she wields a power
with no method"
perhaps say, instead
"rising and falling
through ephemeral
arcs,
wielding a power
with no method"
[takes out the pronoun]
As overused as the "tick tock" method for onomatopeia for a clock is, I think you worked it out. I liked the assonance you used with "lost" and "tocks" - it gave your ending a special kick, and made your ending your own...unique set up.
I like the idea of personifying a clock, so cool. It is something that I wouldn't have expected.
And this had me wondering another thought: a clock personfied with human emotions, if a human dies, then how would writing about the concept of time dying go? just an interesting thought the poem provoked.
I thought the line breaking was a bit too much and kind of choppy, and made the flow kind of rushed...and also I thought if you cut it down on the pronouns even just a little bit, there would have been a significant difference. Besides that, the content is profound, and you did a really nice job.
This really wasn't as bad as you think. I think you're losing confidence. The competition is getting tough, but you know what: one round you came in 2nd place. You certainly can do it again. You have the potential to come in first place. Not sure how you will do this round, this round is very close. Not really any stand outs (yet), but regardless, I wish you luck.
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Is that better?
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Yes
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I am losing confidence because of where I placed in earlier rounds lol. I'll have to come in the top 3 from now on or my prior performances will bring me down!!!
Good idea - maybe I shall expand when the contest is finished.
I agree - too many pronouns and I'm glad you thought it was a good idea lol. Chandni said the line breaking was too much as well, I'll try and work something out.
Thanks x
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