What abyss in vacant fingertips
skimmed over shadowed illusions
of a soft embrace
does find the emptiness of an empty-eyed farewell,
where tears settle in meaningless pools
of a heart numbed behind a glassy stare;
where a dark palette offer
its gloom
to a painted world
of desolate tones of loneliness…
I find solace in a transparent Heaven
until, living and longing once again
I raise my lips
to greet new promises,
querying with soulful countenance
for new depths to lose my aimless wanderings in…
at the airport, at the hotel,
the freeway, the concert hall,
to be reborn in two eyes
appealing for the same synchronicity,
her pleas trailing in fragmented
mind-shattering cries of disappointment…
to welcome a taste of warm sunlight
from the next horizon
while offering a beating rose in return…
Ah, to paint upon a new canvas
bright passions
with a tempered spirit
in lasting colors
until the twilight subdues
and the darkness carrives...
Author notes
Contest Notes: PLEASE WORKSHOP THIS POEM!
A contest entry
- THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I like it a lot. Your choice of words really paints a picture of what your descibing in my mind.
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I must admit I was attracted to this following a poem I wrote about 'fingertips' You have captured the feelings I had tried to project and taken them to new dimensions. I personally like the use of ellipses and regard them as a trailing away into abstracted thought between expressed emotion, but that's just me.
I'm trying to find a particular piece I liked but I loved every stanze.
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trailing off into abstract thought... that is me, too...!
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What a nice love poem. Not at all like the cliche' bullshit I usually read...The yearning in this piece is really palpable...I love the succinct imagery and melancholy tone of this poem. Good Job You. You've managed to take overused words and turn them into something inspiring.
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thanks (for overlooking its faults!) and a hello to Guam... you hate similes? Sure that wasn't supposed to be smilies?!!
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Well I am not going to leave you a 5 page cooment. Looks as tho you already have one. I LIKED it. I loved the last stanza the most. Beautiful.
Hugs,
Your Partner in Death
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Thanks, ol' dark poetry partner, hope you've been well, I've given our poetry daughters some space, as they are slowly growing...!
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Content is good, imagery is good, flow a little difficult in places. I think because of the changes in line lengths the shorter lines come over a little stuttered compared to the flowing longer ones.
Stanza 1 first 3 lines – I find the use of “What” for the first word and then “does” in line 3 creating something that just doesn’t feel right .. they don’t seem to fit with each other. Perhaps changing “What” to “Where” would remove the problem, I’m not saying what you have written is incorrect, it just doesn’t feel right when reading, especially as you then use “where” to start lines 5 and 7.
Stanza 1 line 5 – “offer” should be “offers”, the word “its” following makes the sentence plural where as “offer” is singular.
Stanza 1 line 10 – Ellipsis should only be used in two ways; First, the ellipsis is used to show that some material has been omitted from the middle of a direct quotation. Second, the ellipsis is used to show that a sentence has been left unfinished the writer using them to show the sentence has just “tailed off” deliberately leaving something unsaid, eg.
Colonel García leered at the prisoner: "We want those names now. If we don't get them..."
I’m not really sure if the way you have used them really works, as what comes before is basically the conclusion, there doesn’t seem to be anything else to add. Generally you should avoid the ellipsis in formal writing.
Stanza 2 line 1 – heaven doesn’t need to be capitalised, and no matter how many times I read that line I always want to put a pause at its end. The “until” on the next line seems isolated. I would add another comma at the end of line 1, though this would create two pauses in quick succession and change the meaning of the line somewhat, perhaps remove the comma after “until” or remove all the commas making the first 4 lines all one sentence.
Stanza 2 line 6 – Ellipsis again, a colon would have been better here as what follows is an elaboration of that line, unless what follows is separate from that line, in that case the line should end with a full stop. This is the problem with ellipsis they can make it confusing as to where one section ends and the next begins, are lines 7 & 8 a continuation of line 6 or are they the start of something else?
Stanza 2 line 8 – Full stop after “at the hotel.”, unless the final part of my above comment is true.
Stanza 2 line 12 – remove ellipsis.
Stanza 3 lines 3 & 9 – remove ellipsis
Stanza 3 line 7 – I would put a comma at the end of this line, it gives the reader a chance to pause and take a breath, otherwise they rush through the last 6 lines trying to get them all out in one breathe thus, I feel, losing some of the impact of those lines.
Stanza 3 line 9 – Spelling error, maybe? “carrives”, I’ve looked for this word in a number of places and can not find it.
Overall I like what you have here, the language is good but not so overpowering that it losses the reader and some of the images are truly spellbinding.
Good luck.
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"carrives" (ver
definition- the ghastly remains of the word "comes" after the word "arrives" is inaccurately mashed on top of it...
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Ah, finally something that you could sink your teeth into! Great reply, you tell it like you see it, and you've caught a few common first-write mistakes... reminds me of me going over a piece... Now the question is, are your perceptions universal, or are they individual... hmmm... I may go over it BEFORE I read your feedback, and see how alike we think...
and that brings to mind my uses of those ellipses. You've called my hand here and I must lay it on the table- it is high time for me to confront the authorities; I'll be posting a column on it, explaining my four unauthorized yet effective and clearly understood uses of them. I thought of including the column here just for fun, but then you would think (at a glance) that I were yelling at you with all the words! Maybe a link when it is up...
Ok, it is posted: http://allpoetry.com/column/show/2341329
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I've read your column, found it very interesting, however until said authorities decide your usage has merit, I abide by the rules of grammer and punctuation (most of the time anyway
) and as i've never seen ellipses used that way before I commented on what is after all an error in punctuation usage. I wish you well in your battle with "the stodgy authorities", but as an individual (and a judge ) I stand by my critique.
Best of luck -
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Nothing like spurring me on! Now I'm going to submit my case to the Bluebook committee, the MLA association, and even the Chicago Manual of Style moguls (though I really don't expect serious consideration until I'm an international household name... you know how that works!) So I’m rolling up my sleeves, now that I finally have a lofty purpose in life... (funny how contests can be used as sources of inspiration for new avenues, and as catalysts for new endeavors…
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I hope you have success in changing the status quo, it would be great to see the usage of ellipses expanded into the realm of not just written words left unsaid, but unyielded thoughts as well.
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