seed is born, raised
by verdant frond parents
wrinkling and arthritic just like
their perverted thoughts.
shoots reach innocently
past opinionation,
for children know only
of parental love.
buds are schooled,
and yet only the learned ones
[in the ways of quietus]
are allowed to survive.
red. pink. white.
all other masterpieces are immediately
terminated.
[Blue. Purple. Orange.]
and so this life cycle rotates
as the cloned blooms give birth
to hold their own in a conformist garden
that rules on the terms of monotony.
~~~
Author notes
"You reap what you sow." Kind of true, isn't it?
Prompt: personification poem
Critical critiques please!!!
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round 8 [Top 7] by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended March 22, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I think you need to read over the poem aloud. For me, it has gripping imagery and beautifully penned phrasing but you almost seem in some places that you took out too many words or didn't put enough in that were needed. Although often, its better to grasp onto less is more but this one didn't quite come across that way for me.
The last stanza wasn't as intense for me - the wording and phrases still in flow with poem but no big bang to end the piece with - to make the poem memorable. So even though this is a nicely run through poem on the topic given. I honestly think some small tweaks would pop it up a lot further in most places.
In saying that - I think the colour listings work extremely well. I know something more unique could have been placed there but as it is - it works like water in fire - not to burn the flame but to enhance it.
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Your score: 92.0
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I am not sure about the listing of the colors. It works fine in the poem, but I know with more effort you could have elaborated on it, perhaps added more to each color and gave them each a symbol. I am sure you could have pulled that off.
I like how, again, you take a simplistic concept but make it your own. That is a great gift to have, and because of that, your poetry can't ever get boring- that is- if you apply all of your effort into the poem.
This was just okay for me. Not best and not your worst. I don't think you will be eliminated this round though. Good luck.
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Thank you!
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After thinking about the contest, and talking with Heather...
I am going to take back what I said about "I don't think you will be eliminated" - because, I mean, you had an excellent round last time; but I've been thinking about it. I think you might have relied on that achievement last round to save you this round, but even if you make it through to the next round, I honestly think that- with this poem- you may have blown your chance at making it to the final four.
With that said, you can definitely prove me wrong; you're capable of it. Anyhow, good luck. -
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Well, I wasn't really trying to rely on my last round, I guess I just had a bad round this time. And as for being eliminated, do what you have to do, you're the judge after all.
And I certianly got farther than I would have expected in this contest... I honestly thought I would have been one of the first ones to go.
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this is an amazing write your words they speak so much and I just love how you have given it life and voice well done sis
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Okay, wow. I love this, the new kind of format, the unique textures. wow, this is really good stuff and a wonderful theme too.
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You really do like?
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You...think...this...sucks...
You...THINK...this...SUCKS...?
Are you stupid?
Everyone back up I think I need to beat Cassie's ass for a bit.
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Horray for profanity filters!
And do you honestly think this'll win gold, even do well, in this contest?
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You better do well, or Ty will have me to answer to.
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Hooray for violence!
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Yay!
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