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Welcome to Hell

The sky was darkened with thunderous clouds.

Eyes just stared from multiple crowds.

Soon the darkness turned bloody red.

With images of faces who have long been dead.

Souls that were alive, saw spirits of old.

With tear-filled eyes from the sight they behold.

They saw visions of pain in their loved ones eyes.

Visions of torture and their pleading cries.

The images faded and the sky turned black.

As the ground that they stood on started to crack.

Flames began to burn at every intersection.

As the demon from hell cast his resurrection.

Opened earth and nowheres to run.

They started to fall, one by one.

Footsteps to an eternity of everlasting pain.

The wonderful, joyous place of satan's domain.















Author notes

pappacass

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • InMyFlames
    April 16, 2008

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    very well written you flow was excellent and so was your rhyming
    "With images of faces who have long been dead.

    Souls that were alive, saw spirits of old." these are my favourite two lines


  • alaskanamber
    March 20, 2008

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    Hmmm

    I'm not sure what to say about this. I read your critiques on it and you have fans and some critical reading also. I love your rhyming schemes but I think I agree that this one needs a little bit more complexity. I want to feel the blood drip from my eye sockets as I gaze upon Lazaruth roaring up from hell to steal my soul. I think the lines about the visions,
    "They saw visions of pain in their loved ones eyes.
    Visions of torture and their pleading cries.
    The images faded and the sky turned black.
    As the ground that they stood on started to crack."
    It doesn't take away from the power of Satan to describe how the peasants feel looking upon their eternal deaths. It gives almost like a time symmetry to the piece. Very good transition there.


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    March 20, 2008

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    Ohhh... dark and depressing! A glimpse into hell... I love it, written so well hubby, it flows brilliantly and as always your rhyme is spot on!


  • secberm
    March 19, 2008

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    Wonderfully woven. Incredible image. Where did you draw this from? Nice rhyme. wasn't forced. Lovely. Write on, brother. One.

    Dez


  • pantress silver member
    March 19, 2008

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    This poem 'ROCKED'

    this was great, eery and creepy, dark and gloomy. Perfection from beginning to the end. My favorite part, all of it. Jennifer


  • Black-Moon
    March 19, 2008

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    I thought that you managed to pull of the rhyming well, without ever needing to force it. However, an AA BB CC scheme like that is a bit childish for such a dark deep poem. I find that the rhyming rhythm didn't really make sense for a poem that could probably do better with either a more original scheme or no rhyme scheme at all.
    Your image did present some good imagery, though. However, I'd work to take out some cheesy lines like
    "They saw visions of pain in their loved ones eyes.
    Visions of torture and their pleading cries."
    You'd think that a poem that glorifies Satan would not worry about pain in the eyes of anyone but the protagonist's own. I'm finding this hard to explain, but what I mean is, it just came off sounding contrived and a bit cringeworthy.
    I think that after a bit of work, this poem could really come out well.
    Love, Black-Moon


  • Nicolette Everett
    March 19, 2008

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    For a very dark poem, it isn't that bad. The flow is nicely done and the words are well written. The images that are cast come forth really easily with your words.
    Good job!


  • FallenAngel09
    March 19, 2008

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    I like this poem, the very darkness was phenomenal and the rhyming really made it pop as nothing as would. My favorite lines were:

    The images faded and the sky turned black.

    As the ground that they stood on started to crack.

    I thought they just flowed the most beautifully out of the rest of them. There was one mistake that I thought would have made the poem that much more beautiful if fixed. In one of the lines you wrote, "nowheres" and I'm not sure but I thought the "s" may have been put there by accident. If you fixed that, the poem would be flawless, I think. Any way, great job and keep writing.

    Hugs and Kisses,
    Tiphanie


  • Unsigned gold member
    March 19, 2008

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    Great imagery...nice write. Thought it was really good but stopped and started, just not a fan of too many full stops. I like flow and this, even though brilliant could have flowed a little smother....

    Simon


  • grannyeri gold member
    March 19, 2008

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    What a place to be! Liked the rhyme, the flow and the rhyme in this poem. THought this might have been written for a contest, but it looks as if you thought of this on your own.


  • AddictiveTRUTH
    March 19, 2008

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    What that HELL...

    has gotten into you?
    Now I'm a fan of yours regardless, I must admit that this was really on point and the rhyme flowed very well. You are wonderful in this genre...(rhymes) I sturggles from time to time, more of a FreeVerse Gal Loved it, uncle keep penning, dear.

    Ephiphany

1 - 11 of 11