There is a quietness in the air
Breathe it in or slowly suffocate
With the scent of something pure
It looks just like the sun
Having the tendency to burn
In feverish blue skies
Swirling up a storm
The white clouds turn
Over and over;
Twisting and distorting
Gravity is so heavy on these aching bones...
Some days seem the worst
While others are horrors
Never a dream in between
Of lullabies and fantasies.
Nothing to keep this wolrd enchanted,
Nothing to keep a steady pulse
Beating quietly and gently...
Sick of feeling dizzy from this life’s decay
Rotten promises and dissolving memories
Never a night of bliss
Choke or breathe in the shallow breeze
It’s the only life there is to live
A sundown in the state of insanity
The world has nearly stopped breathing
All that’s green turns a pale skin...
Stumbling all over, halting to a crawl
There's a heart beating faster,
Falling down hard on a frost bitten ground.
It does nothing to ease heavy lungs,
This world will never be the one to catch my falls.
Lying silently now on the ground, open your eyes.
Can you hear the sound?
The world sits quietly;
Slowly breathing.
Look up at your dreams
Watch them all form
As the clouds slowly dissipate
While the rest of the world
Starts to drift away
In this disaster we have created.
Now is the time to show society
What our dreams and imaginations are made of...
A contest entry
- Without the words by Envelope.
4200 points, ended April 3, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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ahhh, tough one here. It's long and when a poem is long it runs into the trouble of repeating itself, especially when it comes to a subject as overdone as society and all it's woes. I could have read the first two stanzas and have gotten the point, seeing as how the rest didn't add anything more to it, it didn't hurt it in any real way, but it prolonged an already established point. Your style was alright, and you used a good vocabulary well, but I'm sure you could have done better

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thanks for the critique. i have a problem with drawing out poems, and i guess this is one of them that i did so. i know it isnt my best. but thanks anyways
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