I stared into her eyes.
The netherworld through which I once lived
and within the pigment of jaded emerald
I again lost the light to the huge of the sea.
The vacant comfort
got misplaced in the night of her illusions
soft curves coiled through my fingertips
as she vanished in my silhouette.
And she—through manifestation
Knew nothing of my lone heart
Yet through hearts forsaken she
said farewell—and left me to the night.
Author notes
- "The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear." ~Silvetris
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Comments
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Great job on the rewrite! You maximized the effect by taking out all the extra words. My favorite line was "soft curves coiled through my fingertips" I thought it was sensual.
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Maybe my previous thoughts were a bit vague? At first glance, it appears you took my advice to find another synonym for “Abyss,” though I don’t think “netherworld” fits correctly either. It’s a correct adaptation for the phrase, but just too broad of a term in m opinion. What I failed to mention previously, was the phrase “pigment of jaded emerald.” I really like this phrase, as I had a similar piece years ago referring to the iris of a woman as a “brutal jewel.” Something that’s beautiful, yet intangible and full of animosity. Given the context of the stanza, I’m a little dumbfounded by its use here. This is due in part to the next line, “I again lost the light to the huge of the sea.” To me this is a metaphoric cluster, because there’s no introduction to the element of “light” or "sea," creating a perspective syntax issue. Where did the sea come from, tears? Furthermore, just looking into a logical parallel, light is usually not something that can be lost or swallowed by the sea. I guess, the light from the surface can technically be sunk or pulled into darkness, or maybe you were going for a play off the phrase “the light in your eyes” and that light was lost into a sea created by your tears? It’s very confusing to on the first pass. Moving on to the second stanza, again I see a slight change from the word “lost” to “misplaced,” helping balance out the redundancy I mentioned in my review of the first version. Unfortunately, “misplaced” also feels unsatisfactory given the potential of the piece and brilliancy of the writer. The two remaining stanzas follow with a much more strait forward approach. My attention span for this is review is starting to dwindle. However, upon a re-read of the material, I’ve had a slight change in my consensus. I now feel a more ghostly interpretation, almost like a haunting specter coming back to say their final farewell, opposed to two individuals who had simply gone their separate ways.
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Has potential to be inspiring.
I saw this on your front page a while ago; unfortunately, my computer caught fire and took several weeks out of my life. Hence, a proper commentary has been out of the question for quite some time. Starting off, let me first say that I’m not quite sure if this is your piece or not. The opening line would stereotypically put us in a male’s perspective and rightfully this follows the tonality of the piece. I also ask, because it seems a little distant from your usual writings schemes. A number of cliches seem to be more prevalent here than in your previous works. Not to say this is a bad thing and they’re all used well, but often times I wonder what a little more ingenuity could have brought to this. It’s really just my personal preference of what “I” consider cliche. Visual devices like “The empty abyss” and the constant reiteration of the word "lost" are slight annoyances. However, I’m in love with the piece conceptually. Its metaphoric representation seems to leave me with a bad feeling settling at the bottom of my stomach. When you go on to say “through which I once lived,” it sets off a lot of physiological triggers from my personal relationships. That somebody who was once the world to you, removed themselves from your life. When you look across the bed and stare deeply into their eyes. You can only see your opaque reflection projected aganist that space you used to occupy. Maybe one day they'll understand what they've done and finally see their world and as black as you do. I wish I had the attention span to write an epic, but I’ll leave the idea of a rewrite up to you.
- Matt
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Yes, I wouldn't have put something I didn't write (unless it was a co-op I wrote half of or so on...) This was one of those late at night writes that I haven't got a chance to expand on. I definitely see the clichés and a lot of repeated words I need to work on. First drafts never work well... haha. I really just haven't got to a re-write so I apologize if my unique metaphors aren't showing up...haha. I'm hoping to get a rewrite up soon.
Ohh and… I see what you are saying about the first line seemingly through a man’s perspective but… please keep the title in mind. “Soliloquy”
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Classical
This is such a classical write and of the old school. A well penned piece which is romantic to the bone.
terry
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The background is awesome and the imagery in this poem is excellent.
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Amazing poem but lol the writing font is hard to read
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I was captured by the art work at first and then as I read I was intrigued more and more. Nice work.
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Wow
This is really a poem full of imagery. I liked this very much.
Yer through hearts forsaken she
said farewell--and left me to the night.
Beautifully written poem. Thank you for sharing with the group and with me.
Many Blessings
Kelle Marie
stavykm
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Wonderful imagery, the background is really stunning. I loved this! Its dark and eerie but not over the top. My suggestion is that in line 6 the word "got" should be changed to something more subtle to fit in better with the rest of your work. Perhaps use "was" instead? Thank you for sharing this with the group.
animated
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I think I commented on this in the library
It's wonderful. You did an excellent job with the prompt too.
The imagery is perfect. -
This is sublime! I love this! Your rhythm and meter amaze, and yet it is smooth enough to be having a conversation, and easy to understand the verbiage, which also totally rocks. The contrasts you drew, combined with your BG and pic, truly fit. Everything fits together. You should definitely be patting yourself on the back for it, as you've done an amazing job. Good luck in the contest.
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awwwwww thank you
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Well having never taken a class or even read a book on poetry I am not the best person to talk on structure but this seemed spot on to me..I liked the way it kept me guessing and all of the black really mixes well with the colors in your words.....beautiful visions of the stormy sea massive and lost. The way you felt her in a dream state and the way she coiled through your fingers...more like gray smoke rather than a snake for me..and then the loss and the red of the loneliness ..magic with the blacks and grays of the background....Isn't it strange how the words I know to be white, even seem colored in this piece.
Thanks for sharing....
Going to take me a while to get through the reading list at this pace lol....
Simon -
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I have a few words I am obsessed with. lol. I love the sound of "coiled" rather than curled or whirled. I use that word a lot because it is more than a curl around or wrap around.
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this is a very darkpoem good luck with the contest and thankyou for sharing this poem with the group
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Such a different picture you used here and the quote is something else too. You have taken both of them and written something very fitting to both. Liked the alliteration in these lines.
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I have "ConvenientExcuses" to thank for the quote and picture. I used them for inspiration for her contest. :-)
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"The empty abyss through which I once lived.
and lost within the pigment of jaded emerald"
I love it. You used the quote and the picture well. With pieces like this, the contest is going to be difficult to judge. Well done. Thanks for entering and good luck! -
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thanks for the muse :-)
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Searching the inner self is a frightening experience but by doing it we can find, expose and rid ourselves of the personality flaws that we dislike. If we recognize that we have them, I love the graphic.
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as always, thank you for your comentary. :-)
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