Ok-
So maybe I’m addicted.
It’s not something
I would have predicted
Still
The force has,
Will,
Pull me in
Like the allure of sin
Yet, so different.
In essence
Pure. Standing alone
To fulfill
Intentions unknown...
With an inescapable presence
I am afflicted.
Even so, I desire
With soul on fire
To be drawn deeper
Into this stupor that’s
Magnetic. True.
Ablaze like candles’ wicks
I need my fix
Of you.
Author notes
Here's an idea for revision- thoughts?!?
Lines 10-14 replaced with these lines:
(I'll include the original lines 9 and 15 for context)
Like the allure of sin
Yet, in essence
Pure. Standing alone
This ache to kill
Any joy that should have grown...
With an inescapable presence
A contest entry
- "If you are Sin, Then I'd sin everyday, just to be with you."-Jess by Jezebelle Darktree.
450 points, ended May 21, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I like the original construction better. The "intentions unknown" part is especially captivating. I love the surprise at the end. This poem could have been about so many things, and then--surprise!--it's about love! Great poem.
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Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, and thus it can have the same feelings, the pleasure and withdrawal, of an addiction. You have captured this fact so well in your poem and it really makes me wonder how great this person is that makes you feel such things. I think your poem would be made better is you went into more depth about who the person was that made you feel this way.
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Thanks for the thoughtful comment. Good suggestion... though at the time I felt like a stalker for even writing the poem. ;-) But maybe now I'll write a sequel lol. Thanks again, blessings!
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Wow
That was beautiful yet true. Sometimes it's hard to let go of someone. It's very hard. But, you catch the idea that love is like a drug. You can't get off it. You have go to 'rehab' to let go. Very nice job. I liked it a lot. Keep it up. -
I don't think I'd revise what you've written. I think it's perfectly penned the way it is. I enjoyed reading it the way you had it written, it kept my attention, and I was wanting to find out just what your addiction was. I have one of those same addictions, my fiance..
Anyway... I think you've done a great job!!
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This is pretty cool. Addictions are never easy and overcoming them is horribly hard to do (I know). I think the piece is fine how it is, but if you feel it needs to change, then go for it; it's your artwork! My favorite lines are:
"Even so, I desire
With soul on fire
To be drawn deeper
Into this stupor that’s
Magnetic. "
Very Nice.
*~Ice
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THis poem is a really good poem, it doesent have a steady rhyme but is still really good. Really good. And your right, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
~Tye
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This poem reminded me of a good friend of mine, a junkie who was struggling to be free of it.
One day he disappeared. I still don't know if he's alive or dead.
I love your poem, I feel I understand it, I relate to it easily..great write.
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We are all addicted to something...or someone. Even when are delivered from those addictions, they still haunt us daily. Time does not heal all things, it just makes them fester.
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powerful
i really liked this poem. you really show how much you need this person, without the reader really knowing at first that that is what you are talking about. the whole piece is something that is different, but works. comparing a drug addiction to someone you need so much is a daring thing, especially in a world where there are so many drugs, people think writing about addiction wont be good. but when you take it and spin it like you have in this poem, it makes it work. im amazed at your talent..how you are able to make the rhyming work and still keep your powerful emotion visible. keep going back to whatever or whoever your inspiration comes from!
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Wow, thank you!!
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It's not often I come across a writer, especially a relatively young writer, whose grasp of rhythm and rhyme scheme are as adept as yours seems to be. This is a clever little piece that has just enough "hook" as to make it commercially viable. In fact, I would be interested to see this poem set to music, because I think you have in these words the makings of a hit song. I don`t say that to insult you (because I know a lot of people like to think of themselves as anti-establishment and anti-`pop` -- and I don`t blame them) but I want you to know that your work has the potential -- among thousands of shitty want-to-be poets that post around here -- to really reach people, to have people say Hey! I relate to that! That`s a rare commodity in the artistic community in this day and age, and I thought it bore repeating to you. Good work; keep tapping into whatever it is you reach to press those buttons. This is solid, solid stuff.
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Wow... thank you so very much! That definitely made my day, I appreciate you taking the time to read my poetry and leave such an encouraging comment. Also, don't worry about me being offended, I'm pretty easy-going. :-) When I have the time I hope to stop by your page and check out some of your work. Thanks again.
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wow nice comparisons. rhyming isnt one of my talents so any ryhming to me is amazing. no effense..people seem to take that offensivly now? hmmm anyway. nice flow very true. nice. thanks for entering and good luck.
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this is phenomenal
I wish I didn't know what you meant here - unfortunately I do. I would recommend grounding the middle of the poem with some less abstract, very visceral and physical image (with the line "standing alone" I immediately pictured someone standing in front of a mirror or in the middle of a room, seemingly lost for what to do to rid themselves of this ache)... and I would say you could tighten the title a little.
but you really capture that sense of which we can be drugged by someone else...
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Thanks for your comment... I always struggle with titles, this was one of those I just threw on so I could post it. :-) But this is one of my favorite poems so I'm looking for critiques so I can improve on it... I wasn't even sure what I was writing when it came out, so you're comment about the standing alone line is a big help! Thanks.
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This is a really touching poem although for me it kinda fell apart in the middle when it went more obscure, I really love the simplicity of the poem because i think it gives it so much power.
"Ok-
So maybe I’m addicted.
It’s not something
I would have predicted"
"I am afflicted.
Even so, I desire
With soul on fire
To be drawn deeper
Into this stupor that’s
Magnetic. True.
Ablaze like candles’ wicks
I need my fix
Of you."
These were my favourite bits.
Great write! FeliX -
fantastic. i like your rhyme scheme a lot, and also the lines "to be drawn deeper into this stupor that's magnetic. true." I think that's my favorite part.
Well done!
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I love it! The whole poem leaves the reader guessing, then the twist at the end brings understanding of the peice. A very good take on love, and one I can relate to.
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Insightful and beautiful look at one aspect of love (see "The Four Loves" by C. S. Lewis).
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i really like this one
suprise ending
good job
( : -
Welcome to AllPoetry
A beautifully crafted poem that with an ending I was not expecting
Lovely and fantastic and metaphorically awesome
♥
Enjoy AllPoetry
Stay safe
~Manda
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