[Stuck.]
In the second train delay in as many days…
The kind of delay that leaves you
-Late.and.Flustered-
& bitter with circumstance and the government.
[Kinda makes you wish you lived 10 hours away…]
In a long assembly at midday…
The kind of assembly that leaves you
-Hot.and.Bothered-
& bored with humanity and enforced egocentricity.
[Kinda makes you lose what little faith you had left…]
People.
Who push and rush, and sweat and swear, who shove their way into your face and make themselves comfortable.
& throughout all this, your face is in my head.
Because boyo, you just don’t seem to care at all.
[I want to smack you in the face
and tell you it’s over.]
But who am I kidding??
We all know that the
[PorcelainGirlWithTheNicotineSmile]
is only strong enough to drown herself in
[HotTears&BitterFancies…]
Author notes
Written 19.3.08
Comments
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First of all the formatting on this poem is really beautiful; the line placement and punctuation are as communicative as the words themselves and portray a strong sense of timing and voice. The only change I would make would be one question mark on "But who am I kidding instead of two. It's an anal thing to pick at, but it bothers me although I can't really say why. I do like the three periods ( elipses, whatever) after "assembly at midday". The pause there really broadcast boredom. I like the comparisons of being stuck in traffic ,literally, and stuck on someone in a figurative way. I can't say I really understood the "[Kinda makes you wish you lived 10 hours away…]". I don't understand why being delayed would make you wish that, but that might be might fault entirely and not yours. I love ( LOVE!) the use of "boyo". It implies a lot a familiarity and sarcasm. It make me feel like you and I are having an intimate conversation; almost as though we've known each other for a very long time. I like the way you run this together into one word. "[PorcelainGirlWithTheNicotineSmile]" It makes it feel like an official title or a name instead of just a description. Technically and visually, I understand the point of putting "[HotTears&BitterFancies…]" in brackets, but it just doesn't seem all that nessesary to me from a communication point of view. You spell checked and I always appreciate that. Great job! Beautiful, punchy piece!
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Well thank you Wicked, thank you very much.
In reference to the '[Kinda makes you wish you lived 10 hours away...]" line, because I live in Sydney, all our train lines are mixed up, and lots of delays happen on a single line. If I lived 10 hours away, I'd probably have more chance of being there on time by a different route, than from my home line.
I think that's the most detailed comment I've ever been lucky enough to get, and believe me, it was much appreciated!
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