Dear Sallyq571
Thank you for giving me the confidence to finally quit my crummy job as an insurance analyst and follow my dream of being a famous poet. When I entered your contest, I was just a guy who felt deeply inspired to write a personal birthday poem for you who I had never met. Who knew that my poem would be better than the other three and win the gold?! ?I never knew I was such a good writer! My whole world has changed!
The first thing I am going to do is print my trophy and frame it. I am going to hang it up in my bathroom (where I spend the most time) and let it inspire me while I poop. My best ideas come while I'm pooping. I think its the silence. Anyways, I will send my poem out to every newspaper, every magazine, every tv station, every friend, and surely it will be published. After all, its the winner of a gold trophy. And if that doesnt work, I can always publish at poetry.com .
And when I make my first million dollars, I'll send for you Sallyq571, and ask for your hand in marraige. Cant you see us now Sallyq? May I call you Sallyq? We are dancing, we are dancing on the mountain tops and its snowing and.... oh, I better go take a poo.
I'll be back you wait right there. I'm going to design you a virtual ring out of zero's. Then, after we are officially engaged maybe we can meet. You ARE a girl, right? Everything after that I can work with...
Love and kisses for you Sallyq
Joe
Dear Sallyq571,
I cant believe I didnt win the gold in your contest! I mean, what the hell was that rhyming crap you gave the gold to?
Happy Birthday Sallyq971
A beautiful day I wish for you
in the sun
Give me a freaking break! I spent my time, my time that could have TOTALLY been devoted to my myspace page to YOUR crappy birthday contest. And what do I get for my efforts? I get beat by some jerk who doesnt even have any rhythm with his rhyme.
I mean, come on, him? HIM? I think I'm going to be sick. I dont think I will write again for a very long time. I mean, if I cant even win against a moron in a birthday contest, what is my life worth? Maybe I should kill myself. Oh I know, why dont you have a contest asking for people to write me "cheer up" poems. Maybe Joe will win and you can send me the poem and I can VOMIT myself to death.
Jamie.
Author notes
I have no idea to what degree this entry sucks but it was fun writing it anyways!
A contest entry
- Dear Contest Holder , Contest by galfalfa.
525 points, ended March 20, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I have already written a long diatribe regarding your mortuary piece so I won't bore you to tears with another long response. However, once again you have the feel of someone who can relate to the people who actually read our stuff. You wrote about life here at AP, but it was not so insider that anybody with half a brain could not be amused by it. I applaud your efforts. RC
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LOL, i will send for you Sallyq971 - that is if my wife doesnt mind
thanks for the laughs, and for entering,
galfalfa
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Oddly, I relate to many of my works in the scatological sense. "If the gut don't grind, you can't find your rhyme." I remember my first piece, "Ode to a smell emitted whilst passing last night's beans." Then, of course, there was my award winning poem, "I once had a dream. I thought it pure, but now it seems, it was pure manure." Ah, thanks for the walk down memory lane... but watch where you step.
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This is a very humorous write. I think anybody who has been on Ap for long will see it as such.
Well done
Buddy
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