Goliath was beautiful; body
built like a brown bear
with bulging biceps,
begging for my embrace
as subtle as sweat.
Muddy eyes were glistening
in limelight’s shadow
as if red veins in white spheres
weren’t convincing anyone
that there was a heart
hidden underneath his pecs
protruding like two flipped bowls
filled with mystery.
His legs looked like
the Petronas Towers
scaled down to each having
enough muscle to fill seven footballs
with lead -
so my heart was pacing like a horse,
but my soul was racing
like a stallion.
His hands were searching me
like a blind warrior
feeling his way to find
what he wants and needs,
without knowing
he was making me feel
as invisible as he sees himself,
even when his twin humps like hills
rolled against my delta
as he danced exotically dirty
like a Mediterranean tidal wave
just hitting my pyramid,
erecting paradise.
Author notes
1. Name: Tyler | Tangled Angle
2. Age: 16
3. Amount of Poetic Experience: 4 years
4. Typical/Strongest Style: [free verse] Personal
5. Unusual/Weakest Style: [form (with rhyme)] Fantasy (like faeries and stuff. lol)
6. Favorite Type of Inspiration: random objects - if i can connect them to my emotions, then thats how the metaphors come to mind, and then i write the poem.
7. Amount of Multiround Experience: A lot.
8. Some Accomplishments: I haven't won a multi round contest yet, but I hope to change that. lol The farthest I've gone is 2nd place. I placed 4th in APTP5/Litournament. Made it to the final five in APTP6/FizzyPop. I've gone far in other contests too. For more info on that just look at my author page.
9. One Fact I Don’t Know About You: I could live off of cheesecake, pizza, and mountain dew. :]
10. Additional Comments You’d Like Me To Read
I'll go insane if you make me write form. So don't do it. Por favor. xD
Note about the poem: Inspired from a (haunting) thought of mine: What would it be like to be a man who feels like he is only noticed when flaunting his strong body, but is invisible to the eyes of anyone's soul?
A contest entry
- project poetry season one [multiround contest auditions] by blackday.
300 points, ended March 21, 2008, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Okay, so I was using the comment box to help me write down stuff as I read your poem. First of all, WELL DONE! I really liked this piece. The paragraph following will be the jumble of admiration/advice I have. Accept and ignore what you will. I promise to do the same should you ever read one of mine. *Grins*
Absolutely alluring alliteration! All in your first stanza. Even "embrace" fits with that second syllable. Though I don't know if I would call sweat subtle...*grins* "Limelight" - excellent word choice. Football reference? Hmm...not sure about that one. "but my soul" "But" implies contrast, pacing and racing are not dissimilar actions. May I suggest and? (Just and opinion). "Wants and needs" Just needs covers the meaning, get rid of "wants and." (again, pure opinion). "hills...delta." Nice imagery there!
Great piece. I loved every second of it!!!
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I forgot to leave clappies. :]
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Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Yep. This one's good, that's for sure. I really liked this one. The ending was perfect.
Since I know you can take it [oh god. xD], I'll go a little bit deeper into the poem. For example, the "filled with mystery." Yeah. Didn't do it for me. I feel like you could have done something much better there because the line about there being a heart was so amazing.
I hated the football reference. It bothered me. It personally didn't need to be there. You were running with a different metaphor/image there.
When I first read it, I didn't like the horse/stallon play but I do like it to a certain extent. It was an alright twist, but the pacing-racing was eh & I didn't like the term soul. That's just me though. I don't know how you could change that, but it was meh in my mind.
The last stanza "exotically dirty." You could have come up with something better than that. You know it. I know it. End of story.
Overall, amazing & here's the link to the group.
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Yup, I'm not even going to make it past the auditions with my stupid poem about wandering around with my glasses off.
I absolutely freakishly loved the last stanza and last line... Did I tell you I was a fan? Hope you don't mind me adding you as a fave! 
And I can tell you now, I honestly tried to find something wrong to point out to you, and I came up with these two options:
1.) your writing is perfect.
2.) I'm medicore, so I obviously can't find anything wrong.
And now that I'm done rambling, I'll leave you alone.
~Cassie
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My non-existent poem is sooooo PWNED!
I didn't really care for the 5th stanza. It felt out of place, yet didn't feel out of place. I'll explain. I basically expected it to come just by reading the first line and the stanza before it - so although expected, it fit. However, the rhyme made it weak, almost giving the reader a hint of the annoyance when he/she reads a bad repetition.
I probably don't even make sense.
10. Additional Comments You’d Like Me To Read
I'll go insane if you make me write form. So don't do it. Por favor. xD
Oh please, you're already some mad little creature.
Never ♥
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Okay, I can't rearrange the poem without changing the meaning.
But yeah.
About the rhyme. It was precise and very intentional, and it serves an emphasis purpose.
Where exactly were there rhyme problems?
And I don't really know what you mean by it being annoying because of repetition?
Explain please.
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yes you do make sense. lol
I originally had stanza 5 as stanza 2, but then I did some rearranging. Funny how you mentioned that. Thanks for pointing it out, and I'll edit that.
You'll do fine. Good luck.
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I'm sure you read many rhyme poems around here, and there is NOTHING more irritating than someone who'd force it, lol. The pacing/racing is one that upon first read, is normally forced - so it almost never works in end line, like how you had it before. I have to say that your re-arranging was good - it sounds better now and not forced at all.
pshh ... me do good with you there? I'm not backing away, but I dare not bet my ass on any such thing. [I'll bet if we do rhyme
]
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I don't see how it was forced. It placed good emphasis on what I was feeling. My heart was pacing like a horse; but my soul was racing like a stallion.
The purpose of that was to show that there was a difference with the phrasing "pacing" to "racing", and then "horse" to "stallion" (the first clause shows strength of the heart, but then the next clause shows how much stronger the soul itself was more stronger than the heart (by being like a stallion) while "heart/horse" and "soul/stallion" alliteration was used to place more emphasis.
I think it didn't seem to fit because you didn't understand the meaning or purpose of why it was put there. Then again, I guess it is just difference of personal taste. I personally thought it worked out fine; I thought the emphasis not just emphasized the meaning but sent the message to the reader "this is the climax of the poem"
Okay, I'm definitely being defensive, but I am always like this. It's not you, it's me. I'm just..whatever.
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I have no problem with you being defensive - it's something you put hard work into, and I'd do the same. I understood your lines, I just thought the layout:
so my heart was pacing
like a horse,
but my soul was racing
like a stallion.
Like that, was annoying. Because it put the rhyme BAM in your face and kind of takes up so much attention that it sounds like forced rhyme. However, and I mentioned as well... you changed that layout and it does flow much better. So, no more problems ... not from me atleast
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Yeah i know what you mean, i didnt like the layout of that either [hence the change].
I guess the breath- pause seemed natural, but then again it did throw the rhyme in your face a little too much ? but yeah, glad it works now!
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