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A Country Road

Missing image

 Photo of a country road, Sunshine Coast Hills, where I live.

 

These words jumping from the keyboard

are not the lines I lost driving home

with no microphone or pen

to record them for you.

 

As I wind along,

travelling dark ribbons among

hills alive as green buds

after late summer rains,

 

I know they have gone for good –

those lines I had for you –

delicate as petals

and as sweet, too.

 

And I dreamed we could walk

this country road together

but my song for you

is lost to upland winds.

 

This, my lament to forgotten words:

those ten lines of beauty I had penned

upon my mind, indelible I had thought,

the colour of my blood’s

 

passion beating deep down inside

and I pictured you reading them

 beneath a beach oak as waves

rolled in but now they have gone

 

like you,

along some other

country road.

 

Yellow and cream flowers,

bend with weight of water;

I stop, clench a handful,

heap them against a signpost –

 

not out of strained sentiment –

more, an impulse to bury

lines I left by the wayside

when I found I had lost you

 

along this country road. 

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Workshopped and now version II:

 

 

Along A Country Road

Missing image

 Photo of a country road, Sunshine Coast Hills, where I live.

 


These words jumping from the keyboard are not the lines

I lost driving home with no microphone or pen to record them.

 

As I wind along, traveling dark ribbons among

hills alive as green buds after late summer rains,

 

I grieve they have gone, those lines I had for you,

delicate as fresh petals and as fragrant, too.

 

I had dreamed we could walk this country road together.

Now, my song for you is long lost to upland winds.

 

Yellow and cream flowers bend with weight of water.

I stop, clench a handful, heap them against a signpost,

 

not out of strained sentiment ... more, an impulse to forget

lines I left by the wayside when I found I had lost you.

 

This, my lament to forgotten words: ten lines of beauty I buried

within my mind. Indelible, I had thought, the color of my blood’s

 

landscape, beating deep down. I pictured you reading them

beneath a beach oak as incessant waves rolled by.

 

They have gone, with you, along some other country road.


 

 

Author notes

"Please Workshop My Poem"

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9
  • ecrivain01
    April 24, 2008

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    Good job on this one ...

    and I know that feeling. I've composed lines in my head when I couldn't stop to write them down and then lost them because there wasn't enough time. I have been lucky a few times though. My poem, Geodesic Road Tripping was one of the times I actually managed to remember the words and I think it came out well.

    Anyway, this is a good job all the way 'round.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    March 25, 2008

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    I do like the workshopped version and tend to agree with Fug-azi that they slow the poem down some and I think I like that.

    Your last line is awesome. I truly related to the theme of this piece which made it even more fun to read and enjoy. Well done my friend. Best of luck in this contest. ~Pamela


  • Fug-azi
    March 19, 2008

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    That is a great re-write, you have lost nothing from the orginal beauty, but the longer lines slow the read down to the pace of the emotions held within. Changing to the couplets is great as LuzAradia says it adds the the duality.
    Your ending line is so much better than the one I offered, fitting better to what has gone before.


  • Amy Meneses
    March 19, 2008

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    I think the rewrite flows so much better. It flowed better and I loved the use of couplets so much better. It represented the idea of duality so much better. The last line feels more complete also. "They have gone, with you, along some other country road." Also, the fact that it is one line after a form of couplets makes me feel the unity and singular of that last line. Great re-write!


  • klassy lassy
    March 18, 2008

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    Margaret's comment is so adept regarding this poem, the beauty sometimes missed while we are busy with the semantics of life...and not taking time to smell the roses, the best one of all may be lost by the wayside.

    Such poignancy permeates these lines. The changes to this poem make it stronger, but even without them, you have a huge talent for making your readers see the heart of emotion behind your words. As always, you sweep me into the emotion, especially with the yellow and cream colored flowers heaped against a sign post for that which went unsaid. You don't say there were tears, but it is intimated in the weight of the water.

    Beautifully done!

  • Fug-azi
    March 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great first stanza, introducing the reader to what is to come, so they know what you are writing is only a shadow of the words you have forgotten .. I love it!

    Your imagery is very, very good throughout the poem

    I have a problem with the “dashes” you have used; a dash should only be used to separate a strong interruption from the rest of the sentence. (A strong interruption is one which violently disrupts the flow of the sentence.)

    Eg. An honest politician - if such a creature exists - would never agree to such a plan

    I can see nothing of a strong interruption in any of the lines you have used dashes in and would suggest using other punctuation to replace them.

    I can also see other places where the addition of punctuation would only benefit the poem, eg. The addition of a comma at the end of line 2 stanza 4 would introduce a dramatic pause before the explanation of why you can’t fulfil the dream of walking that country road.

    Stanza 7 came too early for me; it would have made the perfect ending to the poem or even lose that stanza and edit the final line so it says something like “to some other country road”.

    Apart from that I like the layout of your poem, the stanza splits are good as is the length of each line.. though making them a little longer would have produced a slower read more in keeping with the sadness of the write; its an observation of mine that the shorter the lines the faster people read.

    Good luck


  • MargaretG
    March 18, 2008

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    This is much better than a complaint of a wayward muse, but far more human, a fault most of us have. Those ten beautiful lines are gone forever, and you have given us much to savor and think on instead. There is a well executed shock with the loss of whomever was on the road, that is great to have encapsulated it in three lines instead of four. The wisp of sadness is tied up with the flowers. You describe your scenery so well, you have an excellent eye and faculty for writing it.


  • waydownuponjoy
    March 18, 2008

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    I should not say ...

    this is a terrific poem that is filled with the warmth of a sunshiny day and while the sadness is disquised, it was done so while the rest of the peom sort of scrambled around in my head as all being good. I had to read it again to see if I had any suggestions for improvement. Perhaps retitle it, Along This Country Road. joy

  • ashjoe76
    March 18, 2008

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    :)

    I wish I could recreate an experience like this! A very beautiful write.

    And I dreamed we could walk

    this country road together

    but my song for you

    is lost to upland winds....

    simply love this. congrats and best regards.

1 - 9 of 9