you two could be my
best friend, no strings,
no need to break hearts,
because we have that type of bond
lovers.
our fingers run up and down naked skin and
the smell of orange soda and ramen fills the air.
In a different world
we would've known each other,
all before last Saturday.
Weekend Dreams Fade.
But, we'd still be left with memories
sprawled out on the
living room floor.
Floating away
until our souls come back
to claim us.
Both pairs of eyes sing to me.
Accompanying faces that
Adonis could simply not
compete with.
We could live in our own little Seattle paradise,
even though you couldn't live without
fresh seafood
and he hates coffee
and cigarettes.
We could walk down city streets
and everyone would know,
That we're best friend,
no strings,
no need to break hearts,
because we have that kind of bond
and we won't love anyone else
lovers.
Author notes
1. Name Bri/Weetzie bat
2. Age 17
3. Amount of Poetic Experience
I've been writing since I was 10 but I'm still learning and improving.
4. Typical/Strongest Style
Freestyle
5. Unusual/Weakest Style
sonnets/rhyme
6. Favorite Type of Inspiration
people/things that happened to me/pictures/music
7. Amount of Multiround Experience
I've been in a few multirounds
8. Some Accomplishments
i guess every time I place in a contest it's an accomplishment/people liking my poetry is my biggest accomplishment
9. One Fact I Don’t Know About You
Everyday I hope to write something amazing
10. Additional Comments You’d Like Me To Read
great contest idea and sometimes my contest titles don't have anything to do with the poem
A contest entry
- project poetry season one [prewrite & fresh auditions] by blackday.
600 points, ended March 27, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
give it to me straight darlings
Comments
-
I think you have potential. I like the revisions you made. You didn't change the poem a whole lot but it feels more... concentrated.
This isn't the best you can write, but I will let you into the contest. You are going to really need to work though, okay? Don't just drop out on me 'cause it might get rough.
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/project%20poetry -
-
You ended the poem well. Going back to the top of the poem was a good way to finish it off.
I feel like you fell off on the poetic side of the poem though, towards the middle. The middle had bits of personal things that deal with your situation & such, but they weren't constructed in a poetic way to me.
I would play around with line breaks & punctuation to dictate how you want the poem to be seen & read. Otherwise, without those types of roadsigns, it just looks like a bunch of green lights without reds for the reader to reflect on.
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