There's a large hole
in the ceiling
of the bathroom
and through that gap
are small holes
in the corrugated iron roof
where nails used to do
their work
in times of big winds
It's raining lightly
and I can see the brightness
of the clouds
through the tiny holes
above my ruffled hair
and I wait for water
to come dripping through
but water is always
more subtle than we think
Rain falls on the roof
and it reminds me
of the sounds
my keyboard made
when I was younger
and wrote like a hailstorm
with all those memories
pouring out of me
like rain escaping from a cloud
does this have metaphoric resonance?
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Inspired!
Every once in a while, not often,I come across a piece that just touches my dormant inspirational side. I am then encouraged, maybe that is not be the word, but propelled to write. This piece is one of them! This is about nothing and everything. I truly think this is amazing. My favorite part was:
It's raining lightly
and I can see the brightness
of the clouds
through the tiny holes
above my ruffled hair
and I wait for water
to come dripping through
but water is always
more subtle than we think
Thank you1
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every other one here has said what i wanted to say, but i could not have typed them any better and some of them words i dont know how to spell...!!lol
but i can say there is nothing better than Australian rain upon a tin roof -
wow this is another beautiful poem! i love the metaphor in this, so often i find myself sitting, wishing i could write something great. so this metaphow really spoke to me and i wish i could turn my writers block into something wonderful like this. great flow and word choice. you have such talent!
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This was such a good analogy. I hope you can write like that again one day... I could realate to this poem a lot because as most of us here do, I go through those stages of 'hailstorm writing' and then through the elusive stages of subtle rain excactly how you described here. A good read and something I would never have thought of penning.
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analogy
Thank you so much for a wonderfully detailed and thoughtful set of comments. Much appreciated.
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i write like that sometimes...
tell about the sounds of your rain. i would like to know.
love, lane
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sounds of rain
Ok, when it rains again, I'll stand under my tin roof and describe them for you.
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Wow, I loved this. The beat was riveting and the words were perfect. Beautiful poem!
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I really enjoyed reading through this. You have done so well here. I enjoyed the imagery of this poem and loved the reference to the rain on the roof reminding you of how you wrote like a hailstorm. This is so perfect. Well done.
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Cool, it's good; I enjoyed this read, it kinda pieces together funny in the last stanza, but the image of the holes in your roof came through so crystal clear.
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final stanza
Great comments Tony. I like it when people suggest changes to my poems as I tend to revise them a fair bit. How do you think I could improve the last bit? Is it clumsy? -
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Try something like this, see what you think:
Rain falls on the roof
and it reminds me
of the sounds
my keyboard made
when I was younger
and wrote like a hailstorm
pouring out
like rain escaping from a cloud
now my memories
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wow! i really dig this!!
this is pretty damn cool! i can think of ways i would change it if i were the author but that is the way we all think i am sure when we read other peoples stuff...
needless to say, or possibly more importantly to say- i espacially like the reference to reality and how you connect the rain to the drops of your strikes upon the keyboard when you were younger. i wonder if your words come to you now as a seemingly gentle shower as opposed to the hailstorm of inspiration from before.
-dev
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Changes
Hello Dev - Thanks for your awesome comments! Wonderful to read them. Yes, i love your analogy as to the way I write poetry these days (gentle shower). That's so true!
I'd love to hear any suggestions for changes, as I love to revise my poetry. This one has only gone through two drafts. Usually I do between 5-10 drafts on a poem.
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Kool poem, this is a wonderful write, i enjoyed reading it. you did a good job, you could have capitalized some things but other than that you did awsome.....keeo up your great work..
Becca
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punctuation
Hello Becca - thanks, I read your comments and put sosme punctuation in.
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Ghost-town Melancholy
The imagery was certainly running in my head, alongside the words. Comparing a house and it's decline over the years makes for a cool metaphor for our own human state.
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PawPrint
Thank you for telling me what you thought.
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metaphoric resonance
I enjoyed this challenging read,
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Quill
Thanks.
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I firmly believe that you should capitalize some things, especially the word "I." Despite that, though, the poem flows nicely, and has very effective imagery. I like scene you started with.
Please do try to capitalize more, though. And perhaps you could look at the last line. There's just something odd about the mists of a waterfall becoming rain, since you don't tell us what's going on there -
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Changes
Hello Kokaze - thanks heaps for your suggestions. I put some punctuation in and changed the last line. I hope it's better now.
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yeah it does. well done. I liked this piece, there is something almost innocent about it. it has this quality of calmness before the storm. if that makes any sense.
well done again.
pen on poet
Creatress
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hell yes, it sure does
This speaks volumes! I can picture a catastrophy, a storm, whether inside u or outside or both. Katrina. Nothing is left as it once was. Nothing. What your left with is reminders of what once was and the possibility of what may come... remembering the days when life was just a bit more predictable. When u knew what u could depend on, of course that is just me and the mood I am in whilst reading this piece , which I liked!
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ANEWOR
Thanks you very much - inside and out: that's a good comment. Thanks for visiting this poem and its weird atmosphere. -
VOLUMES
Hello Anewor - Thanks heaps for responding in the way that you did. I loved the way you talked about the poem; it makes me feel very happy.
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Yes
It was beautifully penned "rain falls on the roof and reminds me of the sounds my keyboard made when i was younger and wrote like a hailstorm" beautiful.
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penned
thanks xc - glad you liked it.
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Hello
I'm not sure of the metaphoric resonance, you seem to be stronger on similes. The imagery was good, what better place for a downpour than a bathroom. Writing like a hailstorm on a keyboard is my favourite image, but rain escaping from a waterfall is good also, the flying drops that catch the sun...
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SIMILE
Thanks Echidna. Glad you enjoyed the imagery.I may be wrong, but I am under the impression that a simile is a type of metaphor - although my understanding of that is not certain.
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