Some angels came to visit me,
arrayed in coats of shining white,
to take me on an odyssey
within their coach of blazing light.
They helped me don a special coat
to keep me safe within the coach,
and bade me watch the road ahead
to see Elysium approach.
The silly, jealous populous
who gathered whispering in the street
I knew begrudged my blessed luck--
no angel thought them worth to meet.
"We saved a sunny room for you,"
one angel spake into my ear.
"You've naught but to behave yourself
and you shall be quite happy here."
And when we reached those hallowed gates,
a sign above bid me welcome . . .
who knew that my Elysium
would be spelled A-S-Y-L-U-M?
Author notes
A parody on Edna St. Vincent Millay's Poem "A Visit to the Asylum"
http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/show/9096-Edna-St--Vincent-Millay-A-Visit-to-the-Asylum
A contest entry
- Parodies (serious or satirical) #62 by Lyndon.
3970 points, ended April 6, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Goodwill for the Bandits... (group members only please) by Max Ritvo.
650 points, ended April 26, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Re Write A Well Knowing Poem by Uniquely-Scarred.
1775 points, ended October 31, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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never heard of the poet but loved the original none the less, the ending was the strong point of your piece which hit me. i loved that, i really like a twist or a punch in the guts at the end of the poem i like the felling of linggering on the last line or word in a piece of poetry, this was sold to me, in terms of content, i lose the plot a little with yours and the structure isn't as solid, but there was some lovely imagery that i took away from your piece and the original, i dont want to compair, i know this would be a contradiction to my contest idea, but i would say both pieces stand alone as beautiful subtle pieces of poetry, well done i enjoyed the read and thanks for entering my contest take care and good luck
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Honk Honk Neener Neener Honk Honk Neener Neener
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Carry,
This is a lovely parody poem full of vivid imagery. Good use of word and imagination! Well Done!
Congrats on the Bronze Trophy.
Bandits Rock !
Dennis
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Really elegantly handled twist- I especially like the condescension towards the oggling masses by the lunatic, and the idea to have the Asylum guards percieved as Angels. There is something very god-like about a person who controls when you eat, when you sleep, your pills, your moods, your thoughts.
The rhythm was a little broken, but given the fact that the narrator was a crazy person, I think that works to your benefit.
Really enjoyed this piece, thank you. -
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You completely understood my intent behind the piece, and that is reward in itself.
In regards to rhythm, I was emulating another poem, whose attention to meter was even more slight than mine. 
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aw this was a very pretty poem i love the thought of angels welcoming you
i loved the last line the best who knew you could confuse the two? haha
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Perhaps not a parody
so much as a very good tangential poem, flowing, by association, from the original.
You, poet, have taken great pains to get this poetry suitable for your needs.
Thank you for that.
Lots of best wishes.
Lyndon of the Winklings.
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9pts...
Thank you for this wonderful contribution to The Poetic Bandits reading list
~Lilac
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Wonderful write full of satire and humor. Congratulations!
Ken
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Great twist on the origional A parodied reflection I love it
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Great write enjoyed it
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An unsuspecting conclusion to this poem. Liked the flow, rhythm and rhyme throughout these lines.
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oops forgot...
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lol...well, if God sends the angels then maybe your paradise is the asylum...jj This was a very creative and clever piece of poetry.
sam
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wow just wonderful! nothing can more be said. Outstanding job.
PAssions
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THis is awesome! Flawless indeed and I got a bit of a suprise as well as a good belly laugh from it! WOnderful penning my friend!
Frogz~
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Carrie, not only did I chuckle, but if you are not quite sure if this poem is good, believe me! The meter, rhyme scheme, Title, are well suited to this parody! LOved it!
Shana
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"BEWARE OF ANGELS" is all I can say about this poem LOL!!! Well done Carrie, I just needed a laugh. Val
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I liked this, although I feel as though its my job to critique each poem the best I can, so here goes...
I don't think "spake" is really proper in the line "one angel spake into my ear." It is a word, oddly enough, but not a common one. It breaks the flow and the mood.
The story idea is really intriguing and I liked the ending, I just think it could have been told in an eerier sort of way. More discreet.
Thank you for sharing this with the group.
animated
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I really like this write and the ending was quite unique. Nice flow and form here. Keep up with the great work. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest.
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Very nice, I enjoyed reading it and the twist. i figured it out before the end. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors.
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I like the twist, although I saw it coming from the tone of the poem, and the parallels to the classic poem are well done... I like the way it flows and tells the story without relying purely on floating imagery - well done
Keep writing
Polly
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This poem was very twistful wasn't it? My favorite kinds of poems are the one's that have that very special twist at the end, it makes a real statement you know? It raises that one eyebrow and makes you say "Wow! That was a clever twist." I love the rhyme is was pretty unique and I was impressed how you could of came up with a rhyming scheme with the kinds of words you had in this piece...all the words short of weaved into one and another making it a pleasant read from start to finish...you really do have a great talent in the poetry field makes lots of people look up to your clever writings.
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A good write and parody (more tongue in cheek). Nice meter. Good flow, rhyme and tone. Nice imapgery and depth of feeling. Good word choice, alliteration and nice assonance. A much enjoyed read.
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welll I rather liked it and found it quite funny, very well done.
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Might I suggest......
Within their chariot so bright....line 4
Bade me keep my eye on the road...line 7
Behave yourself you`ve naught to do..line 15
Elysium would indicate..line 19
It was really an ASYLUM..line 20
Great idea Carrie, I`m sure in revision, you would have arrived at some of the above suggestions.
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Yeah, I took considerable liberties with this poem, rather than my usual strict adherence to meter and rhyme. Some of it was in the spirit of the poem I was parodying (if that's a word). Millay is not extremely consistant in her piece. I do like your suggestion for line 4, though, as I've not been happy with the weak rhyme there. I very much appreciate your comment though.
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Took me by surprise at the end. Amusing in a way. Enjoyed it much. I think You done it finely!
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Nice twistNot as good as your cellphone jingle but it gets me awake if you know what I mean. But keep at it Carrie I know when you know you have something magical.
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the twist was really good! nice poem
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Oh, this is so good. And what a twist you have added to the end. While I was reading it I saw the end approaching and thought it should be longer but the last stanza finishes it off quite well.
A clever pun on Elysium and Asylum, and the regal journey in the coach with the populous in jealous awe of you not knowing the true destination of your journey, sooo clever.
Was a pleasure to read.
alby
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Ahh Paradise. It has so many spellings.
Nicely done.
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Not bad, but ...
this line is inverted to put the rhyme word at the end:
"We saved for you a sunny room,"
and could be so easily fixed:
"Look, we saved you a sunny room."
and the last line should be :
would be spelled A-S-Y-L-U-M
to make the meter work.
Otherwise, it's not bad.
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Ah, yes, you are right on all counts. I dared the inversion since I was emulating an older style, but I'll fix it.
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