Strength Above Pride

Sitting here holding my tears
of sadness - although I try to smile
knowing these days that pass
in the end will all be worthwhile

The sudden feeling of perpetual backtracking
not only my possessions, but my soul I am packing
In my being I carry this inner frustration
Lucky to have anything at all - could be a much worse situation

Envisioning this struggle bringing me nothing but joy
The days change my ways in an everlasting ploy
I must follow through with my lord's plan set for me
To get where I am going I must let all else be

Sick and tired of feeling like a disgrace
trying to finish school and move far away from this damn place
everything in my life put on halt simply for an education
I think right now my soul could use some intense medication

I know what it takes to reach my goals
never once questioning stories I'm told
I must let my own biography unfold
for in my life - the secret keys I hold

Fears of never getting to that complete satisfaction
sidetracked by all these mindless little distractions
when really each one took place for it's very own reason
in all reality I should not care at all who I am pleasing

I may seem stuck for now
in what seems like yesterday's vomit
repetition with no reward
I'm not sure what to call it

Time is what it takes to move that one step forward
Moving back when I'd much rather be scooting toward
working through these simple days feeling as if I'm falling
Plant a smile on my face when inside my heart is balling

Knowing all along that this is what is meant to be
building strength off what pieces are left of me
Never once taking any moment for granted
putting one foot first each and every time I landed

There is only one who knows my troubles
and he watches me as if for entertainment
that sensation of just knowing these are signs
as he follows my life during it's rearrangement

Sent to me for a little reassurance
that I have not strayed away from my given path
Although I dream of so much more
I must honor the life I have

Therefore I bare the sudden sensation of my own saddened heart
even though I didn't ask for this feeling
I must find a way to overcome this guilt
My own pride I feel as if I am stealing

Strength is the only fault I will not lose
and it's solely up to me to chose
to take this moment and turn it around
see only the good things that can be found

Which I have done time and time again
and must continue until my life comes to and end
unfortunately certain emotions will try and bring you down
Never giving in to the demons that surround

Making it all work out for the best
letting the big guy up stairs take care of the rest
getting these thoughts right off my chest
now is time to bring my spirit to the test

So here I am ready for your given word
although they don't make a sound
somehow in my heart they are heard

Telling me not to worry, life plays it's own sweet games
and the magnitude of end results will taste of all my days
for the pain is greeted with pleasure in the spiral of monotony
knowing who I am - and who I know I do not want to be

I lay my trust in all invisible forces
now left dependent on the most important sources
each instant makes every bit of difference
nothing changes in this particular instance

So here I am, an actress in your movie
pick a role you think will surely suit me
play me as a pawn on your rusty old chess board
I'm here for you to do as you please, my trusting Lord

Never once asking for nothing but forgiveness
you've granted me that much within your holy goodness
So who's to say that there's not more in store for me
Believe within powers unknown and sacrifice what comes as "free"

As I finish rambling on in my own little novel
I just want you to understand one thing crystal clear
Horrifying as anything may feel or seem
I am learning life's lessons head on with no fear.