can't piss in these bushes
for fear of elecrocution
and electric eyes.
the homeless man makes a stream
ofwords as long as a urine puddle. I inhale
a mouthful of smoke that tastes
of foggy bottom.
she's dressed in slate crepe,
black shoes,
how like a wounded heron.
Author notes
dc rusts on the tongue between the sushi joints and bourbon bars the canali suits / brooks brothers ties it all together as the women move ghostlike.
A contest entry
- Introduce the World to Your Place by fantasysmurf.
711 points, ended March 18, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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ha ... really sharp ... love that wounded heron look ... nice nice >>> Gina
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You, like Ed, do your cities so well. I haven't been through Foggy Bottom in what feels like a million years.
The title and the last three lines make a sort of modern senryu-type thing. Very evocative indeed. When I watch the herons move - they always feel to my eyes at once mechanical - all hinged and gray steel.
The author's notes is another poem.
Welcome home, Windy.
Lisa
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Strangely, it feels pretty homelike...
Ed does cities better. He's got an eye for detail I'll never be able to match. I'm more ham-fisted, but I'd like to think I capture the outline at times. Thanks, Lisa.
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The Dirty City
People only want to show the beautiful and perfect sides of life, but the underbelly has more realism. A gutsy read, and displays more originality. I get the feeling that everyone is trying to show their 'good' side, but there are signs of the mask slipping - prettywoman funnywalk.
Favourite line:"...I inhale
a mouthful of smoke that tastes
of foggy bottom."
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Thanks, Smurf. I like DC, but it is a definite mix of elements. I wondered if I should have made a more deliberate attempt at PR for the city, but this is kind of how I view the place. Thanks for the opportunity to explore and post.
Brian
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Pungent
I'm not good on commenting about these extremes in one place, but I see vividly the things that offend softer sensibilities. "Wounded" is a great word, because somehow it levels us all out to realities around us.
The imagery of the homeless man's word and puddle seems right to me within the confines of this poem. Metaphore isn't one of the things I can associate with street people, although I suspect it's just because I don't speak their language well.
There are many who do, however, and some who are closer to me than I could ever have believed as I was growing up.
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I'm always a bit embarrassed by these, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. The poem says more about me than anythig else, but sometimes this is how the city strikes me, not ugly per se, but wounded. We do have herons, though.
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Don't be embarrassed. It is what you see everyday, and it is a truth in many large cities.
I did not see it as being about you, but something that affects you inwardly. It would me, too, if I lived where I was aware of it every day.
On occasion, I see the fringes of that wound here in this small community. It lets me know the world is not such big place that we should not be aware that another neighborhood's realities could be the one we live in. And it's only one aspect of living where there are all walks of life.
I hope you leave the poem as it is.
Karen
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the last three lines are a poem unto themselves
was "ofwords" intentional? I almost want the urine puddle to be implied rather than spelled out for the reader
it's funny what we see sometimes and wonder if others see it the same way
you were right, I've been tired, I'll revisit when more rested
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the ofwords is intentional (though not neccesarilly effective. I tried it both ways). The urine may be a touch graphic, though given the first line, you were forwarned. That particular evening seemed to call for it. In the grand scheme, perhaps I'm not being fair. I'll post a more evenhanded poem to make up for it.
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it's partly because of the set up in the first line that I don't want to have to read the urine bit I want to figure it out for myself, maybe not, I'm waffling
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you're waffling because you don't like it but don't want to offend. You may be right on both counts, though.
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only waffling about the urine line and I don't have to like something to appreciate its place
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