As petty phrase and whistle run over baby
lingering back to the feeling of before.
Your former self
the one I, myself am becoming
while making the excuse to call you
out of the self doubt infecting
Cymbals crashing
loss of another good idea
not saying anything for the loss of words to mouth,
yet a surplus of emotions to expound.
Carrying a mouthfull,
a bag full
of broken pens
All taken into account yet,
mot resentful towards the one separating
plastic from spring,
but did have the idea to write
the plan of what to feel
The plan came out as
being a whole lot of nothing still
yet whole lot of caring for this one,
the one I have become
Relating another apology in a number of creative ways.
Through out the self discovery- coming out blue and yellowed
feeling less for the fact I admit apprehension
in the relationship with numerous broken pens
Someday soon,
coming to you excited for kicking the habit of tattooing myself tribally
My worry is you
coming on as excited as me
exclaiming how happy it worked out
talking did lead to something
and tonight you're going out
Not the type to say how it's hurting but only in ambiguity
instead of saying absolutely nothing.
Not the type to pity anybody but myself
but love accumulating these sad, sad stories
for the characters that need illustrating
Author notes
PLEASE WORKSHOP MY POEM
A contest entry
- THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I didn't read the first version but I still see what Fug-azi is saying with the wording, it does read like each stanza is a run on sentence that doesn't end until that last word of each stanza, then you set something else up and it's still at a really quick pace. This works amazing at times but I think you need to incorporate more punctuation so the reader can read this more easily.
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alright. redid it. tell me what you think.
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Love the title, though how Western Goths fit in with the poem eludes me
The overall effect of this abstract piece is fairly good although I would recommend the following;
1. Flow is very difficult to follow without punctuation, as I was reading I had to keep stopping in order to work out where breaks should occur, I know that some poets don’t use punctuation at all, but they do tend to end lines where a natural break would occur.
2. The images you are creating come at the reader at a breakneck speed like a tape on fast forward, I’d recommend expanding a few of them giving the reader a bit more to bite into (I am guilty of the same thing myself). You want the reader to sit back after reading and linger on your words not spend time working out where they fit.
3. Your use of the colon doesn’t seem right, the colon is used to indicate that what follows it is an explanation or elaboration of what precedes it. That is, having introduced some topic in more general terms, you can use a colon and go on to explain that same topic in more specific terms. A joining word or a comma would be more appropriate for all of the lines you have used a colon in.
Your breaks between stanzas are good as each moves the reader on to another section of the poem.
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Alright. Thank you! I'll work on this and resubmit.
thanks again. -
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Its better, but there are still a few places where the lines run into each other, lets just take the first stanza as an example;
As petty phrase and whistle run over baby
lingering back to the feeling of before.
Your former self
the one I, myself am becoming
while making the excuse to call you
out of the self doubt infecting
I would write as follows;
As petty phrase and whistle run over baby
lingering back to the feeling of before.
Your former self;
the one, I myself am becomming,
while making the excuse to call you
out of the self doubt- infecting.
There are other ways of doing it as well, but this way I feel gives the pauses where required.
A pause should come where the extent of a normal breath is reached without it the sentence becomes almost a strain to read and makes the reader concentrate more on finishing the sentence than the words within.
The above is an example of a sentence that extends beyond a normal breath, it reads so much better like this;
A pause should come where the extent of a normal breath is reached, without it, the sentence becomes almost a strain to read and makes the reader concentrate more on finishing the line, than the words within.
The pauses introduced not only allow the reader to take in what they have just read, but also give "dramatic" effect where it is required. I have forced the reader to pause after "without it" to add emphasis to what comes next.
One of the things I do if I am struggling to get the punctuation right in a poem, is to remove the stanza format and write the whole thing as a paragraph. As you read through you will find where the natural breaks occur and where you want to forcee breaks for effect.
Its good, but still needs some more tweaking.
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