Let me just tell you this right here,
When you call me I just get so happy....
Smilin' cheak to cheak, face a little pink,
Listen to every word you say, you make me happy
I just want to be with you,
I want to tell you but these word wont come out...
Let me just hold you for one more minute
If I can't that will be that.
I wont try you up
only if you give me this shot....
Let me just kiss you cuz you all I got...
Dis right here is just for you.
Author notes
I give this out to the boy I try to talk to...
It just like he dont kno me...
“PLEASE WORKSHOP MY POEM!”
A contest entry
- THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell Me What You Think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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You know, I like the colloquial, urban voice to this; it's not what I usually like, but here, it works. It's not really new, but it is to me. The improper grammar is a bit gritty for my tastes, though, and you're not consistent in that realm (as in, why do you alternate between 'dis' and 'this'?).
Anyway, Luz and Fug have already said what I was going to say. But do take the time to read over your work before posting poetry; it'll spare you a lot of avoidable mistakes, as such:
cheak -- cheek
wont -- won't
these word -- these words
hiraeth. -
I agree with Fug-azi in everything. i think a colloquial voice isn't a bad one but if one isn't careful with using it, one could make the piece seem dull. Cut the wordiness of your lines and I think you will be able to achieve this very easily. Example of line one "Let me tell you this right here" loose the "just" I hear the voice you are trying to display but I don't think you need it. Second line is too straightforward, instead of telling this person you get happy, show the happiness through metaphor. I'd probably even lose the entire line because you do explain the happiness by describing the smile you get. A great idea may be to ellaborate on the smile you get and the feelings you have inside when you smile. Teach us what that smile is all about. Line four same thing, don't say "you make me happy" but show how you are happy. Bring out the feeling inside that you really feel, it's got to be more than just happy, what is happy? Pretend you are writing this to someone that doesn't know what happiness is and explain the feeling to them. Even if this is personal, you'd be surprised on the feelings you can learn that you have just by describing them in detail.
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Short and pretty straight forward, not necessarily a bad thing as this is something you gave to someone else. I hate giving critical critique on personal poetry as the author can get upset by the comments – hopefully you won’t be one of those.
1. Firstly if you are going to use “street” speak then do so throughout the write, otherwise you could end up confusing your readers.
2. A lot of writers capitalize every line; personally I feel it makes the poem read like a shopping list with a stop at each line end breaking the flow of the poem. I would look through and add the relevant punctuation where necessary and only use full stops where they are required. I.e. When the section has come to an end.
3. Is the indentation deliberate? If so then you need to make it more uniform, while this won’t change the way in which the poem is read it does enhance the visual aspects.
4. Be careful where you use ellipsis (…
as these indicate something has been left unsaid within the line and from where you have used them it doesn’t appear that there is anything else to say.
5. I am struggling with the line “I wont try you up”, I can’t see how it makes sense; also you need to add a “’” in “won’t”.
I feel the author has rushed this somewhat and really needs to spend some time editing and fixing the obvious errors, also they need to make a decision exactly what the poem will be, will it be a street talk note or a more serious declaration.
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this speaks so much and your words they display alot that has left me thinking. beautfully deep sweetie
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Let me just tell you dis(this) right here
cheak should be spelled cheek.
I want to tell you be(but) these word wont come out...
cuz should be 'cause
you're all I got...
this right here is just for you..
thats all i see wrong
other than that the poem is amazing i love it.
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