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Caught In Cruel Gin-Trap

Like a fox
in cruel gin-trap,
I'm ensnared from my run-around.

As a bird
with its wings clipped,
I am grounded from my true-widths.

My
toothless tiger 
and diminished rhinoceros, (and triceratops, Ha ha ha!)
stand sterile in chaotic abandon.

Littered
with Geography,
intellectual dichotomy,
all Science and Physics, are dumbstruck.

Even Philosophy
and all Astronomy,
I am done with all, pick them at random.

In inventions like this,
there is nothing of solace,
if the life that your leading
still stalks, presence in meaning...

Then Walk!
My poor creature trying
wraps wounds with its lying,

above my blood pumping 
where I feel my veins thumping.
While sat in this theatre, with my eyes still in pain,
it is only a hunger, for the Real which sustains... and remains.

Author notes

In this world, sometimes, it can be difficult not to become ensnared in things and loose the sense of freedom, essential to our true nature.

In a list

New, I would welcome all and any sincere responses. Thanks

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • NurseChilly gold member
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    I'm in the work loop gin snare right now... at it'll hold me here for another 3 nights... almost 11 hours down ...

    and my blood pumps...

    one niggle, try to stay clear of using too many gerunds (words ending in ing) unless you're writing a lyric, it can make a piece sing-song and cliched and this piece is good enough to be neither

    here I go again, ramble ramble raamble - you will hate me soon lolol

    ps... don't think widths needs to be pluralised, it is a strong enough noun to stand on it's own ...

    okay- shoot me now, please


  • Lucy. gold member
    March 28

    Edit | Reply
    I love the sound of this line,
    Then Walk!
    My poor creature trying,
    Wraps wounds with its lying,
    but am not quite sure what you mean by it? (especially since lying can be taken two ways).
    I really like it though, I love the flow of it, and I love your poems that have that 'freedom' aspect to them.


    • Thoughts-of-Soloman gold member
      April 8
      Edit | Reply

      Let's Walk!

      Yes! I like the feeling of picking up your resolve and running into freedom with it. I'm so pleased and encouraged that you pick up on that.
      The 'lying' is intended mainly as self-deception, but double meaning I also like.
      Thank you so much. Sol X

  • squeezy
    March 18
    Edit | Reply
    This is a really interesting piece. I liked the ideas you raise and the way that they are presented through a contrast of life imagery and conceptuality.
    The progression and development in this piece really drive it along- the verbs like 'stalks' create a dynamism, balancing out the (deliberately?) complex and static vocabulary ('Intellectual dichotomy') and preventing it sounding too arch. The imagery is very strong indeed, to the extent that I'm left wondering why you use 'like' to start the first two stanzas - the other animals and concepts are allowed to 'exist' as metaphors, but the opening creatures are merely suggested as similes.
    To me, this is a challenging and rich read, and I enjoyed the variety you put into a relatively short piece.


    • Thoughts-of-Soloman gold member
      March 18
      Edit | Reply

      Much thanks and appreciation

      So pleased to have your obviously insightful and well considered, comment.
      I don't know, if I can claim to have done much 'deliberately', I tend to try and let the words write themselves!
      I think often we do much instinctively, through a sensitivity rather than reasoning things out, which I admit I didn't here. I do like to think I'm sensitive though, to the feeling of the words and their rhythm. Punctuation, I am not so confidant about, and would always welcome correction.
      I had considered missing out the 'Like's, I was worried about changing its gait, which you mentioned. Thank you for pointing out the importance about metaphors or similes. I guess, to use metaphor, you are trusting the reader more. I suspect I need to develop that trust, which you have helped me to do.
      I much respect your educated perception, as well as your work, and would always feel glad and honoured, to have the benefit of your eye where I might win it.
      Very much thanks

      • squeezy
        March 19

        Edit | Reply
        The 'as a' works nicely - I think you were right when you mentioned in that other message that cutting everything (to just 'fox' for example) would spoil the flow. That little change hasn't changed the whole focus of the poem and I personally feel it works quite well.
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