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from here

if i could push back the hands

until the mainspring breaks and

opens a path through time


i'd spin them round and around

leave today for the long trek back

through minefields of mistakes


as years blurred past i'd hold

only one thought in mind

one gelid moment of loss


and here i'd stop and here

shatter the tensile pane

of memory and with all my strength


claw through that thick fabric

of regret forcing my way back

back into that old skin



she may think it a vision then

a wild waking dream a hail of

grim potentials come to mind


but even then her drug-fogged mind

would halt would reflect would think

twice about leaving you alone


even then she'd forget that miserable

high and rage through cold-sweat

nights of intractable withdrawal


even then with that blood-chilled future

hanging fresh like a widow's web

in the door frame of memory


she'd snap to attention realize

the value of your existence and

see to your wide-eyed needs



but the clock ticks on and fateful years
were lost before she groveled up
that slick muddy bank of recovery


but you were left with shadows that

crept from the wall to your bedside

and beneath the covers there to darken


your eyes your thoughts your heart

your treasured innocence

with acrid shame turned acid rage


and though i've found my love for you

hidden deep in that now dissipated fog

of liquid-doubt and pill-confusion


i'm late… too late to protect your precious

soul and all i have to offer now is

the hope of a future much improved

 

 

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12
  • word20dragon
    March 26

    Edit | Reply

    powerful

    This piece speaks volumes about addiction and the pain,the shame the enabling we do to let the addicts in our lives to go on hurting themselves knowing it's wrong to help fuel the addiction,but at the time we don't want to loose there friendship or there love.
    Some times we have to sacrifice the love and friendship that is part of the addiction. Rebuild friendship and love so the addict and the ones he or she loves can play together in warm sunlight of sobriety

    . Rewarded 8

  • Virgoan
    March 23

    Edit | Reply
    Sir,

    I would like to inform you how much I adore your pieces. This one is different - not your usual or maybe it is just me. I've read the piece twice and on my opinion would like to highlight or suggest a couple of things.

    One, there are two or three stanzas that enunciate boredom to a reader. A good example is the 11th stanza. I suggest you revise or merge some lines from one stanza to another.

    Two, the piece is too descriptive and long for the intent that it loses its effect. You may shorten the length of this or change a few lines of some stanzas.

    On the other hand, you have been consistent with the vocabulary and theme. I like the seventh stanza so much - it inhales and exhales good imagery.

    I once wrote 'From here all I can see is a pocket full of cremains'. That line of mine on my opinion resonates as I read your piece.

    All in all, inspite of my opinion this is still well done

    My thoughts, your choice.

    I will definitely be re-reading this soon.

    Thanks for sharing and keep writing.

    HENSLEY

    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      i changed the 11th stanza just a bit. wondering if you'll think better of it now. seems better to me now.

  • DrunkenRam
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    First off, I think you have the best message on your page in all of AP, it comes across as truly sincere, with that said, I move on.
    The first Stanza of this is absolutely phenomenal, it sets the poem up as a Time travel, anti-Mechanized trip, the description of the busted spring sets one's mind on a course, the second stanza entraps the reader into this Mechanized time travel and leaves the reader hungry for the moment you wish to change, the third and fourth stanzi are mere explanations of why, I think one would have done, then the rest of this wanes off, it loses power, the beginning Power becomes lost somehow, I like the write very very much, the impact it has is all up front though, now I am by no means some sort of Prosefessional nor do I play one on TV, and compared to my Writes you have me beat all over.
    I hope this is the kind of Critique you were looking for, I enjoyed this poem very much.

    . Rewarded 8


  • Killerzombies
    March 21
    Edit | Reply

    Really good

    Very good word choice and it shows alot of emotion and flows well. I love it.

  • Xkilled-coreX
    March 20
    Edit | Reply
    very good, very long... but very good

    xx
  • This piece sure was full of emotion! Glad I stopped an read great job!
  • albymyheart gold member
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    You disguise your thoughts in verse here and I like that. I do this too. It is a poem which begs to be analysed with the information not just handed to you easily on a platter, I love it.

    The idea of going back through time to confront past regrets is told with originality. The only part where I thought the ideas didn't match well were in the lines...

    "shatter the tensile pane" then followed by
    "claw through that thick fabric"

    Your ending is strong and I must say I liked it very much.
    alby

    . Rewarded 8

  • "i have a sort of love for vagueness."

    Yes indeed.....Erin I have severe sunburn...and it's a pain in the ass..although that isn't where I am burnt mind you....


    "claw through that thick fabric

    of regret forcing my way back

    back into that old skin"

    for some odd reason that I'm not in the mood for explaining...this reminds me of when I was a little kid and I got stuck under the covers at night and I couldn't escape no matter what I did so I started screaming until someone ran to the rescue...lol..odd


    "i'm late… too late to protect your precious

    soul and all i have to offer now is

    the hope of a future much improved"

    This reminds me of dad although I don't see any improvement on its way.


    "but you were left with shadows that

    crept from the wall to your bedside

    and beneath the covers there to darken"

    this just creeps me out beyond all reason..so good imagery..lol



    "and here i'd stop and here

    shatter the tensile pane

    of memory and with all my strength"

    This be my favorite matey! For some reason I see an artist who doesn't approve or their work and they get all bipolar on it and smash it into smitherines!!!! Ok a bit dramatic and I am high on soda...but you get the idea..lol. A memory can be considered art I believe.

    You need to put your pic back on here. The bugs are getting kinda creepy...

    Kay










    . Rewarded 8


  • I-Like-Rhymes gold member
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    This was, to my mind, confusing so I will try to indicate my problem by being more specific than usual. I hope I am not being rude or offensive in doing so
    Lines 1 to 5 struck chords with me the mix of the poetic and the precise was interesting. "Tensile pane" (or was it plane?) followed by "fabric of regret"
    Lines 7 to 10 progresses the story with a slightly vaguer feeling but still pleasant.
    Line 11 brought me to a stop. I had followed the "I" and the "she" and the "her" but the "you"? was it a reference to the same "I" or to a specific other or to a general reader?
    Lines 13, 14, 15 tantalise me into feeling it might make sense again but line 16 "I've found my love for you" and the personna perpexity returns.
    But at least line 18 is optimistic
    Your work may be sometimes complex but usually the thread is clear and, for me, the clarity was lacking in this piece.
    Jim

    . Rewarded 8


    • Zahhar gold member
      March 18
      Edit | Reply
      i have a sort of love for vagueness.

      • I-Like-Rhymes gold member
        March 18
        Edit | Reply
        and why not! After all we all write for ourselves and in ways that we enjoy.
        Keep up the good work. Cheers
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