eagles spin deep into
the cloudy sky, with
white royal heads
they pull rain into
their nests.
i wanted to cry too.
but all I can do
is hold the air in my lungs,
feeling greedy...
i have so many breaths to spare.
if i were the wind i would
share my abundant exhalations,
not just blow
useless songs
across the prairie.
i stroke his back
and his heart answers
like tribal drums
hollow echoing
beats,
though it seems
the only thing
that can slow his shivers.
his rain-stick tears stop
harshly, and nature
follows the lead,
respecting his grief.
stiffly he lifts his head.
and kisses me.
Author notes
I want this to be the best it can be,
so please help and comment/critque!
A memory.
1. Johanna, flight
2. 16
3. I've been writing for fun
scince the end of 8th grade.
4. Freeverse or Fibonacci
5. Ryhme
6. Memories, nature
7. I think I've been in about five,
the best I've done is first place, it was
a short multiround contest called Freeverse Frenzy hosted by FindingFate.
8. I've won my school original poetry contest two years in a row and I won a scholarship worth $900 to have a mentor and to grow in my writing. Right now I'm waiting for a response from a Princeton U and a contest in Minneapolis.
9. I'm horrible at math.
10. I want this.
i will turn your assignments in on time & to the best of your ability.
i will participate & work with team members, not i will not take anything personal that happens in this contest.
i will not throw fits/temper tantrums depending on the outcome of challenges.
i will respect me as the judge.
i will notify me of problems/extended absences.
i will see that my decisions are final law.
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- project poetry season one [multiround contest auditions] by blackday.
300 points, ended March 21, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - project poetry season one [prewrite & fresh auditions] by blackday.
600 points, ended March 27, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
AHHHHHH.
When I read this earlier, I knew it was amazing. But coming back, I appreciate the ending even more. All of your imagery had a purpose. A while back, I feel like you knew to use imagery but you hadn't done so with your own voice & as effectively as it needed to be done.
but now, you have obviously grown as a poet. The beginning, as in the wording, was a little bit slopping to me. I don't know how you could change that, but it just didn't feel as tight as the rest.
In the middle, it went something like "hollow echoing beats," your spacing was the PERFECT timing for that section. Really nice.
Here's the group. You're in.
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/project%20poetry
-
-
Thanks! Maybe the beginning isn't as tight
because it's the only part that isn't true?
Could be.
Anyway, I'm excited for this and I'm really happy
you've seen improvment in my work
peace to all ~flight
-
-
Here's the sister contest for prewrites/reserves.
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2396857
-Chase
ps: i totally didn't see this until just now. I am very sorry. Please entered it prewrite contest for a real comment.
-
-
Aha, it's alright, I just wrote it this morning...
I should've gotten on this sooner!!! But I'll enter
this as a prewrite then
peace to all ~flight
-
-
it has a prose-ish feel to it, dense with description and slow to action, but i like it. perhaps breaking up that 4th stanza could help it a little. and the 5th might come across a little more clearly if the last 2 lines were "follows the lead/ respecting his grief"
overall. very solid write.
-
-
Thanks lots!!! I got a little creative with the
spacing in stanza 4 now...maybe that'd help.
I appriciate this, very helpful
peace to all ~flight
-
-
yes!!!!! i keep seeing familiar names and getting excited about this contest.
good luck to you.
~lee -
-
I am too...what do you think about this entry???
peace to all ~flight
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
