My lungs are filled so full with water
It looks like now it's all up to my heart
It's doing its best to fight its way out from my chest
At least my ribs are too weak to try and stop it
They barely hold anything back anymore
I'm already so deep though
It's a long way for such a small muscle to climb
And the surface is so distant
My legs certainly won't be the thing that saves me
I've got weak knees and my ankles have been broken for quite some time
My eyes are blurry and strained as well
They're clouded by this murky water that can't seem to catch the light
Up has suddenly become such a relative direction
I start to flail more than you'd ever believe
I never thought I could choke this bad
Drowning has become my dire consequence
At least my hands are still strong
Despite the arms that can't lift my spirit
They claw at my skin to at least save a part of me
Taking up the last of my precious oxygen
They manage to accomplish the impossible just in time
Finally setting my heart free so that it floats like it never has before
It tastes the fresh air of the seaside
But it can't take it in quite like the rest of me
Now suddenly the water turns clear
As I watch my most treasured possession drift away from me
It bobs up and down in the waves
Ignorant of the plight that has doomed the body it once called home
It's admirable though, the way it reaches heights that my mind never could
Since I'm the one sinking to a pressure filled grave
At least I can't feel it any longer...
A contest entry
- DARK DEPRESSING and TWILIGHT! by Snow White Queen.
750 points, ended December 27, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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There's a lot of awesome imagery in this piece. And the pain...it's pretty intense. I really like this piece and I think you did an amazing job with it! Keep it up =)
<3 - Jess
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nice write
these lines take my breath away :
"Up has suddenly become such a relative direction
I start to flail more than you'd ever believe
I never thought I could choke this bad"
"They claw at my skin to at least save a part of me
Taking up the last of my precious oxygen"-i think this one kinda reminds me how when im n a situation or going thru something, the people i love try 2 help but r really just making it alot worse and kinda suffocate me n the end.
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This is one of your most intensive and well-pictured poems from what I've read of your other work, I think. You still have some helplessly relative phrases like "more than you'd ever believe," which sounds more like you're thoughtlessly telling me in person how you were flailing. In poetry, it doesn't do much for the reader. But I say that because most everything else was barely worth mentioning in terms of negative elements. You have a lot of good images and intense feelings. I think you tend to use a lot of metaphors and images that have been played out before, but in this poem you put enough power behind the image to make it worthwhile, and it packs a punch.
This sounds like an awful feeling. I hope you don't have to feel this way much longer. "At least I can't feel it any longer" speaks for the numbness, perhaps?
Good write, keep it up.
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It was really helpful
Thanks for comment man, it was very helpful and you always seem to pick out the parts of what I write that bother me as well. Sometimes I find myself writing something that either is or borders so close on cliché that I ask myself "Was I really the first person to think of that line?" That's something I need to work on, and I definitely think I use phrases like your example far too much. Thanks for the support, and thanks even more for the criticism. I appreciate it.
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