I plan to lay where the night is muted and the heart beats without hesitation
Where candled skies shimmer and dance ‘ere about in celestial celebration
It matters not that the autumn air has cooled leaving tree branches bent, laced with frost
For it’s nights like tonight that I corral my conscience to dwell upon days long lost
On the belt of Orion I’ll hang starry dreams like jewelled swords sheathed in my past
To reminisce of the loves I’ve encountered smiling fondly at the spells they’ve cast
Let the winds wash over drying away my tears as I lay there silent and prone
When reality snaps with the bite of a wolf and I realize I’m there all alone
Author notes
Prompt: sleeping under the stars
As with all my poetry, I appreciate constructive feedback so that I can improve as a writer. Please give it to me straight, I'm a big boy, I can take it.
A contest entry
- ROUND TWO - DUELING POETS by Dalaney.
500 points, ended March 24, 2008, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let your mind explore by Learning2PaintYou.
550 points, ended November 8, 2008, 33 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything goes by lovlilmystery.
700 points, ended November 9, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Beautiful, so vivid and refreshing. Can picture myself, sleeping under the chilling autumn skies. Good luck in the contest. Take care and have a great day.
Sandi -
Breathtaking
this leaves my breathless and craving more -
Excellent
The style here brought out the settle dust and scent of the desert. I don't have any constructive criticism to pass on, only that you continue to preserve this way of life. Excellent imagery and sensation:
"let the winds wash over
drying away my tears
as I lay there silent and prone
when reality snaps
with the bite of a wolf
and I realize I’m there all alone"
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This is beautiful too. (Particularly like it b/c I love the constellation Orion. I named my black german shepherd Orion.)
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This is absolutely beautifully written. i loved this piece so much. Orion happens to be one of my favourite star systems. I have it on my desktop. I am an avid fan of star gazing, so when I saw this, it really caught my attention. The words were quite stunning and I could picture you lying there, probably cool but enjoying the moment. I thank you for entering the contest and good luck.
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Candle lit
Ah, how I used to feel when I'd go bushwalking.
We're way south of Orions path, but the candled sky still lights the night. One of my sons took his swag and went bush last week for a break. The Pussums came and licked his face at night, to establish why this stranger was sleeping rough in their world.
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Wow. I am speechless. This is breathtakingly wonderful. The imagery is incredible, and the deep thought you put into this is quite obvious. This is a very well crafted poem, and I am glad you entered it into my contest. Thank you for entering.
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Beautiful, I really enjoyed this write.
Congrats on the gold.
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"For it’s nights like tonight that I corral my conscience to dwell upon days long lost"
this is written sooo well, I also love hanging old dreams like jeweled swords, and the reality snaps with the bite of a wolf....your imagery & usage of poetic device in this are stunning...this is amazing...and I relate. love this
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excellent
congrats on a well deserved gold.
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I really like the tone of this poem. I also like the similie, "with the bite of a wolf." I think you've penned this very well. Thank you for your entry.
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the idea is lovely thank you for the entry
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To reminisce. To lay along some nighted lakeshore and stare up in wonder at the stars. This is the image that first popped into my head as I read this. I really dig the honesty and the 'realness' of your work, not just this, but all I've read so far. You have a unique and well-defined voice. Beautiful images throughout and flawless phrasing (one example: "starry dreams like jewelled swords sheathed in my past...") Bravo.
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BEAUTIFUL!!!!
This carries wonderful imagery carefully arranged to come together in your mind piece by piece, lovely work from you, this was carefully crafted and a wonderful read! LOVE IT
~Tia
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as usual, you amaze me! This piece really drew me in. I can imagine nights such as this lying under the stars in quiet introspection and reminiscing of love past. wonderful!
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This is just beautiful.
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Superb
Aye, reminds me of a camping trip with friends, many years ago, to Nine Mile Canyon, in Central Utah. Early in the morning I hiked alone up to the top of a mesa, and yes the ethereal beauty of which you so elequently speak I experienced that very early morning as dawn rose.
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Wow, I really enjoyed this piece. Been a while since I last read your stuff. So, here we go.....
I found this soft and soothing to a point. Sad as well, it seems. I really enjoyed how you put it in the "stars". I am going to share this with a certain someone that loves Orion.
Loved it,
DBH
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Excellent, Rory, a bit of a change of pace for you.
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You possess a dynamic fan club. I believe anyone who has this type of following should be proud. The long lines are perfect in this enviroment and construction. The course of life entangled with the stars at night, is somrthing missing? Is there a purpose? Do the stars tell the story, it does not matter because the life of the night sky both gives magic and proves one is alone. You always prove to delve into the desire and then accept the inevitable. RC
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I Like it.
A little sad but well written.
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Absolutely Beautiful
This made me cry! The place your words took me to was so touching and actually familiar. I don't know how many times I've laid on a blanket in the fields of my Home, with the dew settling all around me and orion shining strong and bright like the protector of my love laden thoughts. The thoughts you have shared with us are so beautiful. I find nothing that needs to be changed in this piece. Even if it is not 100% perfect, I think it is best since perfection isn't inherent to such thoughts and feelings. Any imperfections there may be, will only lend to the effect.
~Bee -
You have painted well the images in my mind...not as tight as you usually do ... we all tend to do this from time to time use those 'little' words and and and there is still more as the salesmen say and you get a free set of steak knives.... it matters not the autumn air has cooled as tree branches bend, laced with frost an example what I mean...I read my lines aloud when I find i have used a few small words and try it without those words...surprisingly in many cases we dont need them and the line comes out tighter giving more of an impact....
Reminisce of the loves I’ve encountered smile fondly at the spells they’ve cast .... just my humble opinion and thoughts....you do spin a brilliant storyline always a pleasure to read. Good luck in the contest. Yeah know you a a big boy and can take it but i also know you have a brilliant talent in your pen.
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NICE
good job
well writen easy to read long lines though
thanks for sharing your thoughts and poetry with me
keep them coming
cant wait to read enoughter
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This is a pleasent piece to read. I enjoyed it. It has some of the longest lines that I have seen on here. Good job.
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i like the count here, the tempo, the beat of twenty syllables, i use a lot of that msyelf in poetry yet always get too many adjectives in my comments - a poem that flows with ease and speaks. nicely done.
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Long lines with good rhythm, rhyme and flow; very visual as well. Sentiments well expressed here - easy to read and understand.
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I liked it I thought it was smooth , and it flowed, good job, on the emotion behind it
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I read that three times and I really like it. It certainly suits the romantic side of me. The sharp tang of frosty night air, starlit skies along with sweet memories. I have to go back much further than you but it really works for me. Very well done
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