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The Thoughts Caused

Dearest stranger how you caught my eye,
this sparking my interest.
Trying not to be obvious with the salacious
thoughts tickling my fancy.
If only you could read my mind's play.
Thirsting to collide
a slight brush against your side.
Would you respond in kind?
Stretch my spine,
bend me to your desire,
I am not faint of heart.
Diverting my attention just for a second
to catch my breath.
Can't you feel the heat rising off my body?
Beautiful stranger enter my mind,
become a part of me.
Taste a passion sweeter than pure honey.
God bring a devine intervention,
I pray for relief.
My imagination running wild
douse with intense sensual yearning.
I almost can feel the weight of your body
crushing down on me.
Turn me in to powder.
Perspire...
I will drink you in,
savouring your taste.
Let go, this is my pleasing.
My glorious stranger the thoughts you've caused.

Audrey Evans
3/12/2008

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • ellaelu
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    not my contest, but I liked it. as well as the "taste of passion" bit. It was an enjoyable slightly erotic read.. best of luck


  • Chainsaw
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A couple of corrections:

    "apart" should be "a part"
    "savoiring" should be "savouring"

    Also, I thought this was a little cliche:
    "Taste a passion sweeter than pure honey"

    Keep it up.


    • AudreyEvans
      July 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for pointing out my spelling typos, they are fixed. Ok you think, "Taste a passion sweeter than pure honey.", is cliche.. What do you suggest instead?

      Audrey Evans
      aka rubyvaroom

      • Chainsaw
        July 6, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Well it's your feeling, and it's difficult for me to put it into words for you. But I'd suggest looking for something that's sweet that isn't so commonly used as a sex similie. Food in general is often used as a sex similie, so if you could think of something that wasn't food that worked, that would be cool.


  • adsaige
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hm, there is something about this piece...
    the pure eroticism of this piece could
    be better translated if the formatting was
    more organized, and if it were edited
    a bit with more...flowing breathly words.

    • AudreyEvans
      July 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your input. I have fixed the written form. If you wish give it a look over and tell me what you think. Sorry I disagree with the breathly words idea. This is not a poem about love, it's about sudden lust, wanting to fuck some stranger with no strings attached.

      Audrey Evans
      aka rubyvaroom


  • Razor-Blade Romance
    June 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow !
    Amazingly written !
    Well Done !
    Beautiful

  • Virgoan
    June 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful...

    Keep sharing your gift.


    HENSLEY


    • AudreyEvans
      June 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you.
      Your comment, damn. Thank you very much.
      Audrey Evans


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    May 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry, I will have to pass on this one..per contest rules.


  • newnoakua
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ok... which option did you chose? I really have no idea, it was a beautiful poem though. Remember to put your option in your notes... in all the notes that you happen to sumbit to my contest. Much appreciated!

    Good luck in the contest...


  • Stormy Sky
    May 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i need your SN and i have no idea what option you chose. please enter those in the authors comments.

    • AudreyEvans
      May 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hello, not to sound too dumb, what does, "SN" stand for? If you couldn't tell I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Thank you for you help and support.
      Audrey Evans


  • michichoeret
    March 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wonderful

    very sensual
    very all-comprising in such a beautiful form.

    greatly described senses.
    so easy to truely sense all your feelings here.

    however, did not get the "pleasEing". where did that E come from? either typo or a grammar-form new to me


  • AudreyEvans
    March 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Must read!

    All I can say is, Oh my God!

1 - 15 of 15