1.
You were soft
and forgettable;
a cloud of light
like london fog
in my throat;
your voice cast
silhouettes of droll little petals
that spiralled down like question-
marks straining the air
because every shadow
looks just the same,
just the same, just
the same.
2.
you payed
900 dollars
for a jet
to write your haiku
in the sky
(an irrational
declaration of love)
but it rained
on Tuesday
so I slept in
and we never
got to see it
together.
critique please.
Comments
-
ow.. my heart feels heavy after reading this.
this is sadness beautifully expressed.. i love each simile you use and the images you so vividly bring forth through your observation.
i love how you compare the temporary effect of fog with the image of "forgettable".
you just made me realise that spirals do look like a series of question marks. what more, "petals" even complete the dot at the bottom. [chuckles]
the haiku image and the "irrational declaration of love" brings forth two impressions.. one, the persona's feelings, almost sarcastic. two, the fact that usually haiku are not supposed to be subjective.
the line break at the end was a perfect intended pause. it made my feelings linger and then brush back again.
i only have compliments for your piece(s). ah.. sensual writes are my favourite. i hope one day i can write such images with ease.
thank you for making my day. 
hope to see you back in action soon.
bless ya!
Adding your comment:
