Follow me to Montreal where we can
smoke cigarettes on park benches
in perfect anonymity. Strangers will hurry
past us while we linger like the sunset
before it slips past the mountain's tip.
Then we'll join the ebbing tide
at the cafe, at the bar. Hold my hand.
Connect me to something real.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I like this poem a lot, remindes me of what a friend was going through a while ago. Now she is on the road and traveling, she is much happier that way I think this poem is well done and the words flow nicely.
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I feel this way so often living in NYC. The place is so vast that it really takes the people around you to remain grounded. I like how short this is, the brevity suits the topic; as if it were just another person passing by. The last two lines are what make the poem, I think, brings the point home.
Also, as a side note, I really like what you say on your front page. I am an advocate of the same truthfulness, and appreciate the sentiment. -
Personally,
I think you have a great piece here.
I think changing the line breaks
would really bring this one out much like this:
Follow me to Montreal,
where we can smoke cigarettes
on park benches
in perfect anonymity.
Strangers will hurry past
as we linger,
like the sunset
before it slips past
the mountain's tip.
We'll join
the ebbing tide
at the cafe,
at the bar;
hold my hand,
and connect me
to something
real.
Just my suggestion.
I think these breaks changes the flow and
allows the reader's mind to draw the imagery much more clearly.
Thank you for entering!
Best of Luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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I loved it!!
Fabulous girl! I can see the two of you incognito, smoking, touching hands, blending in like you belong in that place, in that space in time. Love the imagery!
Simple and so powerful!
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sophisticated
Hello there again.
I just had to read another poem from you, as the last one was so good. This one is good also.
I like the simile you used, it is very apt:
Strangers will hurry
past us while we linger like the sunset
before it slips past the mountain's tip.
The only line which perhaps could be revised is the last one:
Connect me to something real.
I know spome readers like a line like this, but to me it's too overstated, or a little too abstract or generic or something.
Your poetry is more mature and more sophisticated than many adults at this site so i commend you for that.
best wishes,
BJ.
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I guarentee you'll be famous one day. You're amazing <3
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good.
this was nice,you kept it short but had meening to to it. i really like the line "before it slips past the mountain's tips" my favourite line! this was good.
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This is good - I like 'linger like the sunset' a lot, and the break comes in perfectly.
Well done on this, short and very well done
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dream like
I found this piece rather unique and the vibe of this poem really put the reader in surreal dream like mode. The imagery was very well done, and I honestly enjoyed this poem. Nice work
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Nice
I like this...how the speaker talks of things ethereal and dreamy but in the end just wants to be grounded. this works well since the first two lines (though a wish, a dream) are very down to earth: smoking cigarettes in a park.
lovely.
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